principles of Upbringing Children chapter1

principles of Upbringing  Children

Chapter1

BOOK ID 

Author (s): Ayatullah Ibrahim Amini 

Publisher (s): Ansariyan Publications - Qum 

Category: Education Family Kids Corner Youth 

Topic Tags: principles Upbringing of Children Hadith Quran

point 

Advice for parents, supported by the Hadith and Quran, on the upbringing and training of Children.

The Translator’s Note 

My friend Riaz Ahmed gave me a copy of the Urdu translation of the book to read and attempt its translation into the English language. He told me that the sponsors are keen to have the book published in the English language for the benefit of young, eligible, girls, newly married couples and expectant mothers who do not have proficiency in Persian, the language of the original text, nor can they read Urdu in which it has been translated and published. 

After reading the book I am convinced that it is a highly commendable project. I feel a copy should reach every household. It should be a part of the dower of newly wed brides, it should be presented to the young married couples and it must be there on every family bookshelf. The book should adorn the bed-side table of every young couple and will be a very useful reference and guide for proper upbringing of children. 

Ayatollah Ustadh Ibrahim Amini has rightly pointed out in his foreword that the western libraries are chock full of works on child rearing and upbringing, but we find hardly any comprehensive reference on the subject with particular emphasis on the Islamic norms and guidelines for upbringing of children. 

The Western works 

p: 1 

are more materialistic which emphasize only on the material and moral aspects of child rearing. It is Islam that covers all the aspects including the religious and spiritual guidelines for bringing up the children as good Muslims and citizens. He has extensively quoted from the Holy Book and the Traditions of the Holy Prophet and his Infallible Descendants. 

The need for English translations of Islamic works is universally felt and lot of work is being done in this direction. There is a very large section of Muslim youth, although fluent at speaking in their native languages, are more comfortable communicating in English which has assumed the status of lingua franca for them. 

We also come across people from other faiths who are curious to know more about Islam and they wish to have access to good literature on the subject in the English language. If the publication of the translation of this book sees the light of the day, it will be another small, but significant step, towards dissemination of Islamic precepts to a wide spectrum of people in the East and the West. Insha Allah. 

Syed Tahir Bilgrami 

e-mail: sytabil@yahoo. co. uk [13] 

11, Methodist Colony, Begumpet, 

Hyderabad-500016, INDIA

Foreword 

There is pronounced difference between education and training or upbringing. Education means inculcation of knowledge, or imparting the meanings of the contents of curricula. But upbringing is moulding of personalities on desired lines. The society can be transformed with proper upbringing of its population. 

It is imperative that upbringing is based on well thought out program to 

p: 2 

ensure the degree of desired success. Upbringing is not only sermonizing and admonishing but it requires creation of the right environment towards attainment of the desired results. The criteria necessary for proper upbringing can be listed as: 

1. The mentor should be properly acquainted with the student whose upbringing he is assigned to take up. He should familiarize himself with the physical and mental status of the student. 

2. The mentor should have defined aims of the training program for the student. The ultimate goal of the upbringing process has to be the development of the student into a humane person. 

3. The training program to be inclusive of the desirable criteria and conditions for producing best results. The mentor then can expect positive results over a period of time. 

The best period for commencement of the upbringing or training is the childhood of the student. Childhood is the most impressionable period in the life of a person. At this delicate and responsible juncture the parents can play a very crucial role. 

But upbringing of small children is not an easy and simple function and requires deep thought of identification, knowledge, experience, determination and perseverance in the mentor or the parents. It is sad that most parents are found ignorant of the art of upbringing of the children. This is the reason most children are not receiving upbringing on desirable lines and they keep growing like self sustained saplings. 

In the progressive countries of the West and the East upbringing of children receives prime importance. 

p: 3 

They have conducted lot of research in this field. Many useful books have been published on the subject and they have many experts in the field. But in our country scant attention has been given to this crucial matter. 

We have few knowledgeable persons in this discipline and very few books on the subject which are absolutely insufficient. Quite a few books have been translated from other languages into Persian which are available to people. But these books from the West and the East have two big lacunae. 

The first lacuna is that they treat of only the physical requirement of the students and the stress is on the worldly education of the subjects. All the research rotates around these aspects only and they are totally silent on the spiritual aspect of human life and have ignored any reference to mention of the concept of hereafter. 

In the West the only objective is to train the children for their bodies and minds for the attainment of worldly conveniences and pleasures so that when they grow up they have ideal living conditions at their disposal. And if these books deal with the subject of morality they limit themselves to the treatment of morality specific only to the worldly benefits and are totally silent about the rewards or retribution which one can earn on the basis of his actions during the worldly life. 

The second lacuna is that the training problems in the West are dependence for a solution only on past experiences and statistics. 

p: 4 

There is no impress of "Faith” in this process. Therefore, these books are not of comprehensive utility for the people of the Muslim Faith. In the eyes of a Muslim the human being has two pronounced aspects—one is the body and the other is the spirit. One pertains to the worldly life and the other to the Hereafter. 

In view of this the writer has decided to study and research and thereafter present the conclusions to the seekers of knowledge in the form of a book. For the writing of this book the main source of information has been the Holy Qur’an, the books of tradition and the writings on moral science. 

Reference has also been made to works in Arabic and Persian on the training of children, their psychology, health etc. The books written by Iranian scholars on the upbringing of children were also kept in view. The personal experiences of the author have also been invaluable in this effort. It is hoped that this humble presentation will be of use to the mentors who are associated with the training of impressionable minds in the Muslim community. 

Ibrahim Amini Najafabadi 

January 1980

Chapter 1: The Parents Responsibility 

In the eyes of Islam the status of the father and the mother is very exalted. Allah, the Holy Prophet and the Infallible Imams have exhorted the people in this regard. There are a lot of verses in the Holy Book relevant to the subject. The exemplary behavior of children towards their parents is rated as one of the best 

p: 5 

invocations. 

Allah says: 

"Your God has decreed that thou shalt worship only Him and adopt good behavior with (thy) parents” (Qur’an, 17: 23) 

Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq observes: 

"Three actions are the best: (a) Offer the five mandatory prayers with punctuality. (b) Maintain good behavior with your parents. (c) Struggle in the cause of Allah [1] 

Now the question arises why this exalted position has been bestowed on the parents of the Faithfull’s Allah giving this status for no specific reason? What big deed the parents perform for their progeny that they are deemed deserving of the august status. The father, in satisfaction of his carnal desire transfers his sperm into the womb of the mother where it compounds with the ovum and a new being starts to develop and after nine months of the incident arrives into the world as a tiny babe. 

The mother suckles it and gives it other nutrition. Sometimes she cleans it and sometimes changes its raiment. She cares of its wetness and dryness. During this time the father takes care of the expenses required for the upkeep of the child. 

Don’t the parents have any other responsibility besides these? Is it because of performing these duties that the parents have been endowed with the exalted status? Do the parents only have a right over their off-spring and the children don’t have any rights over them? In my opinion no one will accept any such one sided privilege. The traditions of the Infallibles of the Holy Prophet’s Family are quoted in this regard: 

The 

p: 6 

Holy Prophet of Islam has said: "As your father has a right over you, so does your progeny have a similar right. ” [1] 

The Prophet also said: "As are the children disinherited for their disobedience so also it is possible that the parents may be disowned by the children for not fulfilling their bonding duties. [2] 

The Prophet said: "Allah’s curse on such parents who become the cause of disinheriting their children. ” [3] 

Imam Sajjad said: "Your children have a right that you consider if they are good or they are bad. You have been the cause of their birth and the world recognizes them as your offspring. It is your responsibility that you teach them good manners and guide them toward the recognition and obedience of Allah. Your behavior towards your children must be of a person who believes that a good deed shall get a suitable reward and ill treatment shall call for retribution. ” [4] 

The Commander of the Faithful, ‘Ali says: "Beware, your behavior might render your family and your relatives part of the ill fated people. ” [5] 

The Prophet said: "Whoever wishes that his children are safe from disinheritance, he should help them performing good deeds. ” [6] 

The Prophet also said: "To whomsoever a daughter is born should strive to impart norms of good behavior to her and make efforts to educate her. Provide means of comfort to her that she becomes a cause of his deliverance from the Hell Fire. [7] 

Above all, Allah says in the Holy Qur’an: 

"O, Believers Save yourselves and 

p: 7 

your dependents from the fire whose fuel are humans and the stones. ” (Qur’an, 66: 6) 

The time when a child is in the process of adopting a way of life which can make him either virtuous or wicked, he can be metamorphosed into a perfect human being or a degraded wild animal. The virtue or wickedness of a person will be dependent on the upbringing he receives and this responsibility rests squarely on the shoulders of the parents. 

In fact the parents are instruments of shaping a human being, good or bad, from the child. The greatest service which the parents can render to their children is that they train them to be good mannered, kind, friends of humans, well meaning, freedom loving, bold, just, wise, righteous, noble, faithful, dutiful, hard working, educated. 

The parents must mould their children in such a way that they are successful both in the world and hereafter. Only such people are those who are endowed with the exalted status of parenthood, and not those who in fulfillment of their carnal desire caused the birth of children and left the children to fend for themselves and rendering them likely to fall into evil ways. 

The Holy Prophet said: "The best thing a father provide to his child is good manners and ethical training. ” [1] 

The mother has a more important function to perform towards the upbringing of the progeny. Even during the pregnancy the mother’s food habits and her behavior affects the future virtuosity or otherwise of the developing child. 

The 

p: 8 

Prophet of Islam said: 

"Lucky is the one whose foundation of his virtue has been made in the womb of the mother and unlucky is one whose wickedness had its rudiments in the mother’s womb as well” [1] 

“Heaven (i. e. janna) is under the feet of one’s mother. ” [2] 

The parents, who don’t pay attention to the education and training of their children, become guilty of gross negligence. Such parents must be asked whether the innocent child pleaded with him to give him birth in the world to be abandoned like sheep and cattle. Now that you have become the cause of his existence, by virtue of religious tenets and human wisdom his education and training is your bonden duty. 

The parents are also answerable to the society. Today’s children will be men and women, the citizens of tomorrow. The fabric of the society will be made of these individuals. Whatever lessons they learn today, they shall put them into practice tomorrow. If their upbringing today is perfect, the society of tomorrow shall be flawless. And if today’s generation follows a faulty program of training it is imperative that tomorrow's society will be evil and perverted. 

The personalities in the field s of politics, education and society shall emerge from these elements. Today’s children are tomorrow’s parents. Today’s children can be tomorrow’s reformers. If they have received good training at the hands of their parents, they in turn can carry forward this practice with their children. If the parents have the will, they can be 

p: 9 

the instruments of the reform of the society for the future and with neglect of the children they can be the cause of the ruination of the society. By giving the right training to their children, the parents can render invaluable service to their society. 

Education and training should not be treated as an insignificant subject. The efforts which the parents make to educate their children and the hardships that they undergo in this quest result in the creation of thousands of professors, doctors, and engineers. It is the parents who strive to nurture perfect human beings, capable and pious mentors and other professionals. 

The mothers in particular bear more responsibility for the upbringing of the children. The children spend most of their childhood with the mothers. The foundation of the direction their future is bound to take is laid here. So, the key to the vice or virtue of a person and the progress or decline of a society is with the mothers of the society. The woman’s place is not in the shop floor, ministerial or administrative positions. These functions don’t measure up to the importance of a woman as a mother. Mothers breed perfect human beings. Virtuous ministers, lawyers, professors owe their positions to the loving care received from their mothers during their formative years. 

The parents, who nurture truthful, pious children not only serve their children and the society but also create a niche for themselves in the society. These children will be a support of the parents in 

p: 10 

their frail old age. If parents strive towards the education and upbringing of their children they reap the harvest of their troubles during their lifetime only. 

‘Ali, The Commander of the Faithful, says: 

“Evil off-spring is among the greatest hardships for the parents. ” (Ghurar al hukm, p. 189) 

“Evil off-spring causes loss of respect for the parents and the successors are shamed. " (Ghurar al hukm, p. 780) 

The Prophet of Islam says: 

“May Allah bless the parents who trained their children to behave justly with them. " (Makarim al akhlaq, p. 517) 

Therefore those who attain parenthood have great responsibility on their shoulders. This responsibility is to Allah Almighty as also to their fellow human beings and also to their own children. If they discharge the responsibility properly they will be rewarded in this world and hereafter. 

But if they falter in the discharge of this responsibility then they themselves will be the losers and they will be tantamount to have cheated their own children and the society at large and they would be perpetrating an unpardonable sin.

---------------

[1]: Usul al Kafi, book 2, p. 158 

[1]: Majma al zawaid, v 8, p. 146 

[2]: Bihar al-anwar, v 19, p. 93 

[3]: Makarim al akhlaq, p 518 

[4]: Makarim al akhlaq p. 484 

[5]: Ghurar al hukm, p. 802 

[6]: Majma al zawaid, v 8, p. 158 

[7]: Majma al zawaid, v 8, p. 158 

[1]: Majma al zawaid, v 8, p. 159 

[1]: Bihar al-anwar, v 77, pp. 115-133 

[2]: Mustadrak al-wasail, v 2, p 38

Chapter 2: The Knowledge and Mutual Co-Operation of the Educators 

The training and upbringing of a child is not an easy and simple task that the parents can perform with little or no effort. This task requires, in fact, delicate handling and temperament. There are myriads of fine points to be considered to achieve success in the efforts. The mentor has to relate himself with the spirit of the child. He cannot perform the task without knowing the spiritual, psychological, educational and practical niceties of the job. 

A child’s 

p: 11 

world is a world of his own and his imaginations and fantasies will be unique to him. These cannot be compared to the thought process of the adults. The child’s spirit will be delicate and will be very impressionable. The child will be a human being in miniature that has not as yet assumed a permanent identity but it has the capability to attain this change. 

The mentor of the child has to be capable of fathoming and identifying a human being and, also, identifying the mind of the children. He should have a keen eye on the intricacies of the process of upbringing. He should be aware of the human capabilities and failings. He should have sense of responsibility and keen interest in the job on hand. He should be patient and courageous that the hardships don’t overpower him. 

Besides, the rules of training are not rigid and cannot be implemented the same way under different circumstances. In fact these rules have to be modified and applied to each individual child according to his physical make up and mental capabilities. The parents must keenly observe the physical built of the child and educate him keeping this factor in mind. Otherwise, the effort may not bring about the desired result. 

The man and woman should acquire knowledge about education and training before parenting a child. The education of the child commences with its birth and, in fact, from the time of conception. During this period the foundation of the child’s nature is 

p: 12 

established and his nature, behavior, thinking process starts taking shape. 

It is not right that the parents remain unconcerned during this visibly dormant period. 

They postpone the upbringing of the expected new arrival till its actual arrival. They tend to keep away this task till the child is capable of distinguishing between good and bad behavior. While it may be easier to correct the behavioral defects in the early stages, it may be difficult, if not impossible, to effect these corrections once the habits are formed. 

‘Ali, The Commander of the Faithful, says: 

“The most difficult politics is bringing about changes in the habits of people. " [1] 

“Habits settle down upon people. ” [2] 

“Habits become second nature. " [3] 

Shunning habits is so difficult that doing it is considered amongst better invocations. 

‘Ali, The Commander of the Faithful, says: 

“Overcoming bad habits is amongst benevolent invocations. " [4] 

Another important factor in imparting ideal training to the child is the coordination and cooperation between the parents and other mentors like the grand parents on the program of training to be followed. Their joint effort will produce the desired results. But if any one of them takes a cavalier attitude on the training process, the results may not me as desired. 

The child should be made aware of its duty. When the parents give contrary directions the child gets confused. Particularly if they insist on their contrary points of view, there is likelihood of negative results in the process of the training of the child. 

The biggest difficulty in imparting training to the child is 

p: 13 

that the father makes a decision about him and the mother or the grand parents insist on a contrary course. There is always a need for such understanding between the mentors that the child is able to clearly understand what he has to do and the idea of doing anything against this does not enter his mind. 

Sometimes it happens that the father is well educated and reasonable and the mother of the child is ill tempered and uneducated. Sometimes the situation is reversed, when the mother is better equipped to train the child and the father is not. Many families face this problem. Children in such families do not receive proper training. But this doesn’t mean that they should give up efforts of properly training their children. 

In such a difficult situation the responsibility become more pronounced. The need in such a situation is to give more thought to the program of educating the child. The parents should make sincere efforts to overcome the lacunae in their character and behavior and give more attention to the children. 

With good actions the parents can attract the children’s attention and set a desirable example before them. The parent’s action should help the child to decide what is good for him and what is not. If the mentor is wise, thoughtful and patient he can to a greater extent counter the negative impact of his wife’s behavior on the training of the child. This is no doubt a difficult task but there is no 

p: 14 

way out of it. 

One intellectual says: 

“A family in which the father and the mother think alike about the upbringing of the children and are able to mould their character and actions accordingly the impact on the senses of the children will be ideal. The family unit is a small society in which the child’s moral character assumes definite form. 

A family in which the members are friendly towards each other their children are generally mild mannered, self respecting and judicious. Against this, a family where the parents have the habit of contradicting each other their children will be morally deficient, pretentious and excitable. "

---------------

[1]: Ghurar al Hukm, p. 181 

[2]: Ghurar al Hukm, p. 580 

[3]: Ghurar al Hukm, p. 260 

[4]: Ghurar al Hukm, p. 176

Chapter 3: Training through Deeds, not Just Talk 

Most parents think that oral instructions and occasional talk about dos and don’ts is sufficient for good upbringing of children. They presume that the upbringing of the child is thus taken care of and they do not have to do anything about the upbringing of the child concerning other walks of life. This is why such parents do not feel any need to think of the upbringing till the child is a tiny tot. 

They say that the child is still a babe and is incapable of understanding anything about upbringing. When the child comes to the age of understanding they give a thought to its upbringing. It is the period in the life of a child when he starts discriminating between good and bad. While this thinking is incorrect, the child, as a matter of fact, is ready for the upbringing the day he is 

p: 15 

born. He gets trained every moment and his nature is moulded in a particular way. 

Whether the parents are aware of this process or not the child does waits not for any initiative on their part. The child’s active mind and other senses are like a camera, which keeps preserving images of what happens in its environment. A child of five to six years would have acquired a certain character. Good or bad habits would have got engrained in its nature and it would be a difficult task to bring about a change in his behavior. 

The child, as a matter of fact, is a mimic. It tries to emulate its parents and the other inmates in its surroundings. The child views its parents with a degree of respect and makes efforts to copy their life style. Their actions become his yardstick for good and bad actions. The nature of a child is not cast in a mould but it takes the parents as the example to follow. The child depends more on the behavior of the parents as a model for its actions than any amount of sermonizing. 

The daughter observes her mother and learns the niceties of house keeping. She sees her father and understands the nature of men. The boy takes lessons about life from his father’s actions and from his mother’s behavior he learns about the nature of women. 

It is therefore necessary for responsible people to reform themselves at the outset and if they have any flaws in their 

p: 16 

behavior they should avoid them. In a nutshell, they should mould themselves into good human beings before they embark on the road to parenthood. 

The parents should give a thought to what sort of offspring the desire to give to the society. If they feel that their child should be a morally upright, kind, humane, freedom loving and responsible person then they too have to be owning such characteristics that they set an example for him to emulate. 

The mother wishes that her daughter should be responsible, kind, equanimous person who respects the feelings of her spouse then she should herself try to fit into these norms. The daughter will then observe the behavior pattern of the mother and automatically mould herself the same way. If the mother is an ill tempered, lazy, disorderly, untidy and selfish person then she cannot expect to train her daughter only through lecturing on the norms of good behavior. 

Only those persons can competently train and bring up children properly who had similar upbringing themselves in their childhood. They will have better understanding of the nature and psyche of the children. The parents who have differences and pick up fights over trivialities will be incompetent in bringing up children. Similarly professional educators who have taken up the task only for the material remuneration, who are impatient, excitable and do not have an understanding of the child’s nature and psyche will not be able to put their trainees on the right track. 

Dr. Jalali writes: 

“Whosoever has the responsibility of 

p: 17 

upbringing a child should occasionally do introspection on his own character and behavior, realize his responsibilities and try to correct his failings. " 

‘Ali, The Commander of the Faithful, says: 

"The person who is in the lead should first reform himself and then try to correct others. Before teaching the norms of good behavior to others he should set an example himself. One who educates himself in learning and manners is more deserving of respect than he who only teaches the norms of good behavior to others. " [1] 

“You respect your elders that your children respect you. " [2] 

“If you wish to reform others, then commence the exercise with reforming yourself. If you like to correct others and keep yourself flawed it will be the biggest blemish. " [3] 

“When the talking tongue is silent on sermonizing and the actions of the sermonizer speak for themselves, then no ears can keep the sermon out and nothing is more effectively beneficial than this. " [4] 

One lady writes in a letter: 

"…. my parents’ character has deeply impressed me. They have always been kind to their children. I never found any flaw in their words or deeds. We also acquired this habit. I cannot forget their good character and behavior. Now that I am a mother my endeavor is to see that I don’t do any thing in the presence of the children, which is not considered good. My parent’s character is the example to be emulated in my life. I try to see that my children too are brought up 

p: 18 

the same way. " 

Another lady wrote in a letter: 

“…. When I recapitulate my past life I recall that my mother used to argue and shout on trivial matters. Now that I am a mother I feel that with a little difference my condition is nearly the same as my mother’s was. All her negative manners have become a part of my character. The strange problem is that however much I try to reform myself I am unable to make much progress. Definitely it is proved in my case that the parents’ character and behavior has far reaching effect on the moulding of the character of their children. The saying, therefore, is correct that a mother with the good training of her children can transform the world. "

---------------

[1]: As quoted in the edited work, Nahj al balaghah 

[2]: Ghurar al Hukm, p. 546 

[3]: Ghurar al Hukm, p. 278 

[4]: Ghurar al Hukm, p. 232

Chapter 4: Abstain from Domestic Differences 

For a child the home is like a nest. He feels very much attached to it. His heart is always tied to it. If the parents are on friendly terms his nest remains durable like a warm lap. The child in such a home feels contented and secure. Getting an upbringing in such congenial atmosphere the latent qualities and capabilities in the child will truly find expression and will bring out salutary results. 

But if the parents are excitable and fighting type then the child will lose its calm and contentment and he will be uneasy and restless. The parents who argue and fight do not realize that the feelings of the poor child. In such a situation the children get frightened and with 

p: 19 

hurt hearts they seek some corner to hide themselves wondering as to why their parents are behaving in that manner. 

Otherwise they seek the avenues of fleeing from the nest that has been so dear to them and seek refuge in some lane or bazaar. The bitterest memories of a child are the times when the parents have heated, loud arguments and fights. The children are unable to forget such scenes till late in their own lives. These events remain etched on their psyche and have deleterious effect on their natures. 

Such children have weak hearts and stunted physique. They will be heart broken and spend their lives miserably. It is quite possible that daughters of such parents carry an impression that all men are as harsh and rude as their own father is. This may lead to abhorrence of the very thought of marriage for such girls. 

It is also possible that the sons of such homes think that all women are as ill mannered as their own mother is and decide to remain celibate all their lives. In such an environment the children become rebellious and start hating the parents and the things come to such a pass that some children become revengeful. The statistics indicate that lot of gallivanting, alcoholic and anti social children is the consequence of the disturbed atmosphere at home 

If one thinks of the bitter events of his childhood when the parents had bitter differences then he will feel that despite the passage of long years the 

p: 20 

unpleasant memories are remaining etched on his mind. 

One intellectual writes: 

“The parents should know the fact that when there is an argument or fight between the elders of the house there will be deleterious effect on the thinking of the children. The type of relations the elders keep will have definite effect on development of the children…. if the atmosphere of unity and peace is absent from the house then it is not possible to give proper upbringing to the children. 

When the elders become argumentative and excitable they forget that the impressionable children are with them whose upbringing is their responsibility. In such an atmosphere the children do not learn any good lesson. The children then become secluded and ill tempered. Particularly children of slightly higher age find the situation very difficult. Their hearts cry over the attitude of the father. They are unable to decide whose side they should take. In some cases they become antagonistic to both the parents. " 

Another person writes in a letter: 

"…. from the most unpleasant incidents of my childhood the vividly etched on my mind are those when my parents used to fight exchanging abusive language. During these events my sister my brother and myself used to stand shivering in a corner. As long as the fight continued we used to watch helplessly. I remember my sister used to cry at such events and these fits lasted for long. She is now a victim of nervous breakdown. It seems that the wrangles of our parents had a 

p: 21 

very bad effect on the spirit of my sister…. " 

Another person writes: 

“…. the thought of an unpleasant event of my childhood doesn’t leave my memory. My father was ill mannered, excitable and selfish. He used to invent excuses to fight at home and shout at everyone. Our parents used to fight throughout the day. I wonder they never tired of doing this. The fights generally used to be on trivialities. There was no night when I went to bed without shedding tears. This was the reason that my nerves were weak. I am a scared person and I get bad dreams. 

I have consulted doctors who say that the reason for my condition is the effects of the atmosphere at my home. He says that there is no cure for this other than rest and peace at home. My happy days started when I got married and I escaped from that house. Now, although my life is peaceful, I have a feeling that I am a defeated person and I cannot make much progress in life. I appeal to parents, In the name of God If you have any differences, do not fight in the presence of your children! " 

He further writes in his long letter: 

“The worst event of my life happened when I was eight years old. That day my parents had a very bad fight. All the children went scurrying to corners. The event had such a sad effect on my spirit that for a long time I couldn’t erase the 

p: 22 

thought from my memory. I was fed up with my family and myself. I used to think that I should not return home from school. I used to offer a silent prayer to God that I die of some serious sickness. 

Many a time I thought of committing suicide. Several times I dreamt that I was married and fighting with my spouse. During such dreams I used to plan a strategy for preserving my rights. After my marriage I tried several times to pick up a quarrel with my wife to demonstrate to her that I am an angry person. Luckily my wife is of a cool nature. She treats me with love and affection and convinces me with good arguments and advice. It is my good luck that the ill temper did not last long with me. When I recall the mistakes of my parents I did introspection over my own failings and I tried hard to mend my nature. Now I am leading a peaceful life. " 

Another gentleman writes: 

“…. When I was nine years old my parents separated because of acute differences. They left me, my sister and my brother in the care of our paternal grand father. We used to cry there very often. While visiting my mother I used to dream while sleeping that I wouldn’t go to my father’s house. After some time some well-meaning relatives intervened and made my parents to reunite. 

My mother returned back to our home. But during that short break my 

p: 23 

spirit got so much affected that even now I feel sad about it. Now I make a serious effort that whenever I have any differences with my wife, we don’t give vent to our feelings in the presence of our children. " 

Another letter reads thus: 

“…. there are many bitter memories of my childhood and pleasant memories are but few. When I remember those days I become sad and I am unable to control the tears welling my eyes. The reason for this sadness is that I always found my parents arguing and fighting. Thus they made life difficult for us brothers and sisters. We are a family of eight children. I never argue with my husband that I do not become the cause of the bitterness of my husband and children. " 

In one letter someone writes: 

“…. Age five is the best part of one’s childhood. When I was of this age there came about bitter differences between my parents. My father brought a second wife. Because of these differences my mother secured a divorce from my father. We were six brothers and sisters. One day turned very bitter for us. I was playing with one of my brothers when our mother came to say her adieus to us. God knows how sad we children were. 

Our mother went away and we remained with our father and the new mother. We remained away from our own mother for two years bearing the pangs of negligence that our father showed to us. Then one 

p: 24 

day our mother came and took me and one of my brother’s home. She had received some legacy from her mother’s property. 

With that inheritance she carried on our upkeep. Later on the other brothers and sisters too joined us. Our mother gave us the treatment of both a mother and a father. We cannot forget her courage and sacrifices. " 

Another lady writes in her letter: 

“…. my parents always used to quarrel and there was turmoil in our home. My mother always used to be angry. I was eight years of age when she used to leave my other siblings in my care and go out. My sister and brothers were of age two, four and six. I used to care for them to the best of my capability. Sometimes I used to get beatings from our father. 

Despite all the difficulty I was trying to continue my studies but I failed in my second standard. My tutors were aware of my difficulties. They took pity on me and gave me grace marks. In such circumstances I reached high school. Now I am also a mother. I make a sincere effort that differences do not plague me and my family. " 

The parents who feel their responsibility and they have interest in good upbringing of their children refrain from giving rise to any differences and fights in the family and they definitely avoid airing any differences in front of the children. There is no worse act than the parents disturbing the children by 

p: 25 

squabbling in their presence and leaving them behind. If they realize the feelings of the children during such absences, however brief they are, then they would try never to fight again. 

Such events are remembered till the end of one’s life. However there are hardly any families where there is no meaningful difference of opinion. But in marital life there is always the need for rapprochement. Wise and informed couples resolve their differences with cool and calm discussions. 

If the children learn of the differences of their parents, they should handle the matter tactfully and convince them that the matter is being sorted out and they need not worry on that count. The parents should take care that they do not talk of divorce in the hearing distance of their children. This not only affects their married life but can cause damage to the delicate minds of the children. 

Separation between husband and wife is a grave injustice to the children. They feel that their nest has fallen down. And their lives are shattered. This is naturally because the children have love for both the parents and cannot imagine any one of them abandoning them. If the children remain in the custody of the father after the divorce and he gets a second wife they will be required to unwillingly live under the care of a step mother. 

However good and gentle the stepmother is, she cannot take the place of the real mother. General observation is that most stepmothers do not take 

p: 26 

good care for stepchildren. The newspapers carry many stories of bad treatment of children at the hands of stepmothers. If the children revert to the care of the separated mother, they still feel the void created by the absence of the father. And if the parents are so thoughtless that they leave the children to the care of foster parents, it will be very sad for the young kids. 

Anyway, the husband and wife are free till they have children. But they have added responsibility after they have children and this will be the time when they have to make sincere efforts to avoid any serious differences cropping up. They must protect the good atmosphere at home and do not become the cause of worry to the children. Otherwise they will be answerable and subject to retribution in the Court of Allah.

Chapter 5: Starting Life as a Mother 

When the sperm of the man enters the womb of the woman and fuses with the ovum, the process of fertilization and the woman becoming a mother commences. The fertilized egg (the ovum) starts fast metamorphosis and ultimately takes the final shape of a human being. In fact the age of a person can be counted from the day the process of fertilization takes place. 

One intellectual writes: 

“When a person arrives in this world, he would already have completed nine months of his age. And in these preliminary nine months he passes through a metamorphosis which determines the shape he gets ultimately as a complete human being for a 

p: 27 

complete lifetime. " 

When a woman is pregnant, she becomes a mother from that moment. She bears the responsibility for the child developing in her womb. It is a fact that the father’s germ has a bearing on the legal inheritance, the physical and psychological make up of the person but the new arrival’s future depends more on the care of the mother. The father’s germ is like the seed but the development depends much on the developing environment it gets. 

Another intellectual writes: 

“The parents of a child can provide a growth environment which is ideal for its progress and can also give an environment which may be deleterious to its optimum development. If the growth environment is not proper it is not congenial for the immortal spirit of the off spring. This is the reason that the parents bear a heavy responsibility for the upbringing of the child. " 

Every person’s welfare, illness, strength, weakness, looks, character take shape in the mother’s womb. The rudiments of the child’s morals and fate are established from the very womb of the mother. 

The Holy Prophet says: 

“The Fate, good or bad, of a person is determined when he is in the womb of the mother. " [1] 

The pregnancy is a very delicate period and puts tremendous responsibility on the expectant mother. A woman who is aware of her responsibility does not consider the pregnancy as an ordinary time and doesn’t indulge in careless behavior. She knows that slight carelessness might affect her health badly and the baby she is 

p: 28 

carrying might get damaged. This damage could be so severe that the child arrives with irreparable defects that it may have to carry for the life. 

Another intellectual writes: 

“The mother’s body and the events connected with it have an effect on the child she is carrying. The child in the mother’s womb is very sensitive to the changes her body is undergoing. This is because the mother’s body is complete and the child is developing to take the final shape. Therefore it is the duty of every expectant mother to keep a good environment at the house. 

She can succeed in this if she knows what events can have salutary effect on the child and what will not. A careful mother can provide the right environment for the ideal development of the child in her womb. An ideal environment for the child in pregnancy and immediately after birth is an utopia. 

But the parents make their best effort to see that they provide an environment as near to perfect as possible. But the accidents of ignorance cannot be ruled out. If people are not aware of the consequences of carelessness, they may be faced with problems during pregnancy and after delivery of the child. One should realize that coming into the world without any physical defect is the right of every human being.

---------------

[1]: Bihar al-anwar, v 77, p. 115

Chapter 6: Welfare of the Embryo (foetus) Depends on the Mothers Nutrition 

In the womb of the mother the foetus is not an integral part of her body although it gets sustenance from her blood and nutrition. A pregnant 

p: 29 

mother’s food has to be properly planned and balanced which has to provide nutrition not only for her maintenance but also to the foetus. 

Therefore a pregnant woman’s recipe of nutrition has to be meticulously planned. Otherwise there is always a risk that the deficiency of certain vitamins and minerals in the food may prove deleterious to the health of the mother and the child. 

In the eyes of Islam the nutrition of the pregnant woman is of prime importance to the extent that she can be exempted from mandatory fasting during the month of Ramadan. She is given the liberty to fulfill her obligation after delivery of the baby. 

Research proves that eighty percent of the genetically deformed children with physical and mental aberrations are because of deficient food given to the mother during her pregnancy. [1] 

Dr. Jazairi, an eminent nutritionist, writes: 

“It is known since long that the development of the foetus and the baby before birth and during feeding on mothers milk the nutrition received by the mother is very important. The mother has to take care that all the essential proteins, vitamins, carbohydrates, fats and other materials are taken in optimum quantities and at proper intervals for proper growth of the living cell that is the foetus. The foetus, which remains in the stage of metamorphosis in the womb, requires all these essentials for proper and healthy growth. It does happen during pregnancies that the mother remains healthy outwardly but due to deficiency of certain vitamins the foetus shows abnormal growth. " [2] 

p: 30 

Karner says: 

“Sometimes the reason for a new-born being abnormal is that although the seed is good it doesn’t get a proper environment in the womb. It also is sometimes because although the womb’s environment is good the seed is defective. In these conditions babies are born with several deformities like cleft lips, small and sunken eyes and flat soles of the feet etc. Earlier these defects were thought to be genetic of nature but now the research points out that they are caused by deficient availability of elements like oxygen during the pregnancy. The living environment and the surroundings during the pregnancy of a woman are considered the cause of the congenital defects like paraplegic limbs etc. 

Imam as-Sadiq says in a tradition: “Whatever a pregnant mother eats or drinks, the foetus draws its sustenance from that. " [1]

---------------

[1]: Aijaz e khurakiah, p. 220 

[2]: Biography Before Delivery, p. 182 

[1]: Bihar al-anwar, v 6, p. 342

Chapter 7: The Effects of the Mothers Nutrition on the Foetus 

During pregnancy the type of food taken by the mother has a marked effect on the nature, intelligence and capability of the child. This is because the brain of the child responds to the quality of nutrition provided to the foetus by the mother during its growth. Islam has clearly defined that the mother’s food intake during the pregnancy has a definite effect on the character of the child. Here some traditions on the subject are sited: 

The Holy Prophet says: 

“The mothers must ensure that during the final phase of pregnancy they must eat dates that their children grow to be gentle and sober. " [2] 

“Ensure that your expectant wives eat behdana seeds (Seeds of 

p: 31 

Quince, a Central Asiatic tree of the rose family the fruit of which resembles a hard fleshed yellow apple). Such wives bear children with good health and character. ’ [1] 

Imam Ridha’ said: 

“When pregnant women eat behdana seed it enhances intelligence and wisdom of the child. " [2] 

The prophet of Islam said: “The pregnant woman who eats melons will give birth to pretty and polite children. " [3]

---------------

[2]: Mustadrak al-wasail, v 3, p. 113 

[1]: Mustadrak al-wasail, v 3, p. 116 

[2]: Makarim al akhlaq, v 1, p. 196 

[3]: Mustadrak al-wasail, v 3, p. 635

Chapter 8: The Mothers Nutrition 

Research on the different types of food materials is not in the scope of this book nor can we enumerate the qualities of each because it is a subject that requires consideration at length. Nor is the author an expert on the subject of nutrition. Luckily many useful books have been published on the subject and the readers interested in a more detailed study may refer to such books. But it will not be out of place if we have a cursory look on the subject. 

Although the nutrition intake requirement of pregnant women increases, it is a matter of worry that their appetite generally reduces in this condition. Many of them feel listless and dull. In such a state they need to plan to consume concentrates which are foods with lesser bulk and more nutritive value. The nutrients required by the human body are contained in different types of food materials. Therefore keeping variety in the ration of a pregnant woman gives scope for designing ideal feeding program for her. 

The experts in this field write: 

“To keep the body fit not only food intake is necessary but also 

p: 32 

it should be a planned mix of food materials taken at planned intervals. ” [1] 

The mother should ensure that she takes supplemental vitamins and minerals with the morning and evening meals that will help the foetus in the seventh month. This will not only help in the proper growth of the teeth and the gums but also some other important bones of the body. [2] 

Dr. Giasuddin Jazairi writes: 

“Consumption of yoghurt and cheese during pregnancy provides vitamins and fats to the woman and prevents her from consuming many other unnecessary things which she might otherwise be inclined to eat. She should however avoid taking sour yoghurt. Stale cheese may also not taste well. At breakfast she should take a glass of milk and a broth of oats. Vitamin B is present plentifully in liver, kidneys, intestines that are useful foods and should form a part of the pregnant woman’s diet. [3] 

It is better that the pregnant women should take milk at regular intervals. This is a complete food and the Prophets in the past were very fond of this food. 

Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq says: 

“Milk is the food of the Prophets. " [4] 

Dr. Giasuddin Jazairi writes: 

“Most women feel pain in the limbs and the back due to deficiency of calcium during pregnancy. They also find their nails breaking during this period. They are therefore advised to consume fruits and vegetables that are rich in calcium. They have also to be particular to regularly take soup made from bones of sheep and lemon juice. ” [5] 

Generally 

p: 33 

for people and in particular for the pregnant women the raw and cooked vegetables and fruits are considered good food. The plants derive the nutrients from the soil, water, air and sunlight and store the food for us. All the fruits have good nutritive value but particularly apples, quince, pears, dates are very useful. 

Likewise every vegetable has its own nutritive value. Different vitamins and minerals are provided to the body by different food grains, fruits and vegetables. A person who wants to take good care of his nutrition should take a mix of fruits and vegetables and try to eat all the seasons fruits, even if occasionally. Particularly, the pregnant women should make a careful mix of different food materials in their diet. Islam exhorts its people and the pregnant womenfolk to eat fruits and vegetables. A few quotations are given here to prove our point: 

Imam as-Sadiq says: 

“Everything adorns some place or other and similarly the vegetables adorn the dining area. " [1] 

One day when Imam Ridha’ sat for his meal he found the vegetable salad missing from the fare. He told to his servant, “You know that I don’t eat food without the salads. Please bring the salads for me. ” When the salads were brought the Imam commenced his meal. 

The Holy Prophet is on record saying, 

“Eat quince because it enhances your intelligence, removes worries and makes the child gentle. " [2] 

The Prophet also said: 

“Eat quinces and present its good fruits to your friends because it improves the eyesight and makes the 

p: 34 

hearts mellow. The pregnant women too draw lots of benefit from this fruit and their new born children are pretty and healthy. " [1] 

“During the last months of pregnancy the women should eat the dates that their children have forbearing natures. " [2] 

‘Ali, The Commander of the Faithful, says: 

“Eat the dates that they are the cure of all pains. " [3] 

There are innumerable traditions of the Prophet and his Infallible Descendants that throw light on the high nutritive value of different fruits and vegetables. Nutritionists can devise ideal diet schedule including appropriate quantities of these fruits and vegetables for various requirements. Consulting a nutritionist or a specialist medical practitioner will be very useful.

---------------

[1]: Ilm o zindagi, p 462 

[2]: Biography Pesh uz tawallud, p. 80 

[3]: Aijaz khurakia, p. 223 

[4]: Bihar al-anwar 

[5]: Aijaz khurakia 

[1]: Mustadrak al-wasail, v 3, p. 148 

[2]: Makarim al akhlaq, v 1, p. 196 

[1]: Makarim al akhlaq, v 2, p. 116 

[2]: Makarim al akhlaq, v 3, p. 113 

[3]: Makarim al akhlaq, v 3, p. 112

Chapter 9: Consuming Tobacco 

Pregnant women are advised to abstain from cigarettes and any other type of tobacco based product. Consuming of tobacco is not only deleterious to their personal health but will also have harmful effect on their foetus. In this connection we quote from a paper published in a foreign journal. We invite your attention to what it has to say: 

“One study made in the Scandinavian countries on 6363 pregnant women showed that those of the group who smoke have given birth to babies on an average weighing 170 grams less than the babies of the women who do not smoke. This weight difference was recorded in 50% of pregnant women who habitually smoked. On the other hand the height of the babies of the smoker mothers was recorded to be less than the other group. 

Similarly the heads and the bladders 

p: 35 

of the babies of smoker mothers were found to be smaller than those of non-smoker mothers are. The infantile mortality of the babies of the smoker mothers has also been recorded to be six times more than those from the other group. The children of the smoker mothers are likely to be born with physical defects than those of non-smoker mothers. 

The use of cigarettes causes deficiency of oxygen in the blood of the foetus thereby causing excessive production of hemoglobin. Congenital heart disease is 50% more prevalent in babies born to cigarette smoking mothers than others. Statistics prove that children of mothers who smoke are poorer at their studies when they go to school than those of the other group. 

The intensity of this condition depends on the quantum of smoking the mother did during her pregnancy because the tobacco causes reduction in the cells of the brain of the foetus. What has been said above is only a part of the damage that can be caused to the baby of the mother who consumes tobacco. Perhaps there are more serious damages caused by cigarette smoking that have not been identified so far. Therefore, all those mothers who are concerned about their own and their children’s health should avoid smoking. " [1] 

Dr Jazairi writes: 

“Tobacco smoking is harmful for the mother and also for the baby growing in her foetus. Alcoholic beverages too are very dangerous for carrying mothers. In addition to the poisonous effect of the alcohol it destroys the vitamins 

p: 36 

which are the essential requirement of the mother and her foetus. Such women have the risk of giving birth to babies with disabilities. Smoking and consumption of strongly brewed tea too are very harmful for pregnant women. " [1] 

Dr Jalali writes: 

“Alcohol, marijuana and other drugs get into the blood stream of the parents and move into the embryo thereby affecting the growth of the foetus adversely. Some experts are of the opinion that when pregnant women smoke cigarette, the heart of the foetus is affected and its beats increase abnormally. [2]

---------------

[1]: Maktab Islam, Year 15, Issue No. 6 

[1]: Aijaz khurakia, p. 215 

[2]: Rushinasi Kudak, p. 222

Chapter 10: When Pregnant Women Fall ill 

When a pregnant woman needs medication for any indisposition, she has to exercise utmost care in the consumption of medicines because the medicines are generally designed for adults and might not be compatible for the delicate foetus and affect it adversely. It cannot be predicted what effect the drugs might have on the foetus. It is a fact there is no medicine, which will not affect the foetus. This is the reason a pregnant mother must exercise maximum restraint in taking medicines. 

Firstly, she should avoid intake of medicine. But if the condition of the health becomes such that medication becomes absolutely necessary, then she should have access to it on the expert advice of a medical practitioner who can suggest the right medicine and the dosage. 

When the illness is risky for the mother and the child, the pregnant mother should obtain expert medical opinion and treatment, as, otherwise it might cause irreparable damage to the foetus. 

One expert writes: 

“It is 

p: 37 

possible that certain viruses and microbes escape from the mother and the father into the indefensible foetus and infect it with the same disease which the parents were suffering from. " 

He writes at another place: 

“Any change in the dietary habit of the mother, the medicines which she has to take and the diseases with which she gets afflicted will have effect on the embryo. Any diseased condition, which affects the embryo in the initial stages of conception, will progressively enhance. It is therefore imperative that the pregnant women should prevent themselves against diseases. Sometimes diseases may destroy their capacity to conceive in the future. 

He also writes: 

“There are several non-food materials which, when consumed by a pregnant mother, will adversely effect the development of the foetus. Most of the medicines are for adults and their trials are made only on grownups before they are approved for prescription. The viruses, bacteria and the germs in the body of the mother sometimes affect the foetus too. 

Sometimes the foetus starts getting the same symptoms of the disease or sometimes abnormal growth takes place in the foetus because of the infection. " [1]

---------------

[1]: Biography Pish az tawalud, p. 182

Chapter 11: Effect of the Psychological Condition of the Mother on the Embryo 

The experts have been deliberating the fact whether the psychological condition of the mother has any effect on the embryo she is nursing. 

Some experts say that if a mother is confronted with excessive fear and unease then the foetus will get affected and there is a strong possibility that the child will be timid and also the tendency of jealousy and malicious nature 

p: 38 

of the mother will be there in the child. As against this the good nature, humanity, honesty, boldness and affection in the mother will have a salutary effect on the nature of the offspring. 

These experts are of the opinion that the child in the womb of the mother is in fact a part of her and therefore it will be influenced by the thoughts and psyche of the mother. But there are some geneticists and child psychologists who reject this theory. They feel that it is not necessary that the psychological condition and thoughts of the mother influence the mind of the newborn permanently. 

Dr Jalali writes: 

“There is no direct contact between the mother and the foetus but it is only through the umbilicus which does not possess any senses and the closed umbilicus has blood carrying nerves, therefore the earlier opinion that the psychological condition of the mother influences the mind of the child may not be correct. " [1] 

But, the truth is with the intellectual, that it cannot be claimed that the thoughts and psychological condition of the mother indirectly influences the mindset of the child. But it is not right to say that the mother’s thoughts have no direct effect at all on the mind of the child. This point of view is illustrated in the following arguments: 

1. The human mind and spirit are connected to each other. The illness and good health of the human body and the strength of the nerves and physical potential or weakness 

p: 39 

and even the appetite or lack of it has a bearing on the thinking and morals of the person. The moral personality of an individual and his nature have a bearing on the development of his brain It is possible that the deficiency or absence of food might give rise to the nervousness and amoral thoughts in the brain. 

2. The embryo utilizes the food, which gets synthesized in the womb of the mother and reaches it. As long as the child remains in the mother’s womb it depends on her for its sustenance. The mother’s food habits therefore have a direct bearing on the physical and mental development of the child. 

Dr Jalali writes: 

Whatever is beneficial for the mother is also beneficial for the foetus. If the mother’s food is deficient in calcium, this deficiency will affect the development of the bones and the teeth of the child. [1] 

3. This is well known that extreme disturbance and restlessness in a person causes indigestion, constipation and affects his body. Excess of sadness or fear reduces the appetite of a person and his digestive system gets impaired. The digestive glands do not function normally. 

In the light of the above three points it can be said that although the mother’s thoughts and spiritual condition do not directly transfer to the brain and nerves of the child, it is related to her digestive function which can ultimately affect the child’s physical and spiritual make-up. 

The mother’s pangs of anger or uneasiness will affect her general nature and 

p: 40 

disturb her digestive system. This condition is damaging to the mother’s body as also to the foetus. 

It is possible that the child in such a mother’s womb gets afflicted with such disease, which might manifest itself at a later stage. 

Dr Jalali writes: 

“The pangs of excessive uneasiness suffered by the pregnant mother and the unpleasant happenings in her environment are definitely harmful to the development and the nature of the child. Such conditions create problems and give rise to the unwanted glands. Because of this the digestive system is unable to perform its normal function. Perhaps this is the reason that some children have several nervous ailments. These conditions may also be responsible for the miscarriage of the foetus. [1] 

A pregnant lady physically and mentally at ease will have her foetus in good health. Such peaceful environment is ideal for the perfect development of the child in its mother’s womb. To the contrary the foetus of a jealous, envious, excitable, timid and mentally ill mother will not be properly nurtured and can be affected with several ailments of mind and body. 

In this regard: 

“The psychological experts have proved that 26% of psychologically ill children have inherited the condition from their mothers. Therefore if a mother is hale and hearty then her child too shall be the possessor of good physical condition. If the mother cares that her child is healthy then she should take good care of her own physical and mental well being during the pregnancy. The effects of the environment on 

the development of the child are always pronounced. "

---------------

[1]: Rowan shinashi kudak, p. 188 

[1]: Rowan shinashi kudak, p. 188 

[1]: Rowan shinashi kudak, p. 222

Chapter 12: An Advice to Pregnant Women 

Pregnant women are advised to abstain from lifting heavy materials. They should also avoid very tiring tasks. If a carrying mother tires herself, she is likely to tire the baby too. In such cases there is the danger of miscarriage of the pregnancy. 

Travelling during the last months of pregnancy too is not advised. If there is no urgent need of travelling, it is better the carrying mothers do not undertake a journey in that period. However doing light work and restricted movement is not harmful and, in fact, is beneficial for the health of both the mother and the child. 

Dr Jalali writes: 

“Excessive fatigue in pregnant women gives rise to poisonous substances in the blood. Since this blood is the source of nutrition for the foetus, it can adversely affect the growth of the child. [1]

---------------

[1]: Rowan shinashi kudak, p. 222

Chapter 13: Clean Environment 

The growing child in the mother’s womb requires oxygen although the foetus cannot breathe itself. But it utilises the oxygen acquired by the mother from the atmosphere. The mother not only consumes oxygen for her own sustenance but also provides it to the foetus. If the mother breathes in a clean and hygienic atmosphere she can ensure her own health and that of the child she is bearing. 

If the mother’s environs are polluted and she is breathing poisonous air, then there will be danger of illness afflicting her and the child. The pregnant women are therefore advised to take particular care of the environment in 

p: 42 

which they live. They should move in pollution free environment and breathe deeply. The pregnant women should also avoid late nights, which might tire them excessively. 

During pregnancy the women should avoid smoking and protect themselves from breathing in any polluted environment. While sleeping they should keep the windows of the bed-room open so that fresh breeze is available to them. It must be noted that deficiency of oxygen might be very harmful to the foetus. 

We are repeating the following paragraph from Dr Jalali, which has also appeared earlier in this book, for your attention: 

“Various defects in the body like cleft lips, flat soles of the feet, sunken and small eyes were previously thought to be of genetic reasons. But now it has been found that these defects in the new born children are because of the environmental conditions and particularly the deficiency of oxygen during the pregnancy of the women. "

Chapter 14: Miscarriage 

There is no objection in Islam to contraception or family planning with the mutual consent of the spouses. If the wife and the husband desire not to have any more issues, they can prevent conception with harmless pills, injections and other contraceptive methods. But obviating birth of already conceived is undesirable in Islam. Islam wants that the progeny of its followers flourish. When the male and female cells have fused to form an embryo, it is the rudiment of a living being and its abortion is forbidden in Islam. 

Although the embryo is a minuscule object, it has full right 

p: 43 

to existence. It is an existence, which is fast developing towards becoming a full-fledged human being. This small creature wants its mother to provide congenial environment to grow in and take birth as full-fledged human. If one aborts such an existence, one has committed murder and the act will be liable to punishment of the parents on the Day of Judgment. 

The Faith of Islam, which is the guardian of the rights of all, has banned completely the abortion and infanticide. Ishaq bin Ammar says, “I submitted to Imam Mua ibn Ja’far that in case a woman is scared of getting pregnant do you permit her to take medicine which brings about abortion. The Imam replied, “No I cannot give such a permission! ". 

The narrator again said, “What is the decree for the time when the pregnancy is in its initial embryonic stage? " 

The Imam replied, “The development of man commences with the formation of the embryo. Allah says in the Qur’an, 

‘On the Day of Judgment the parents will be asked: for what crime you have killed your innocent child? ’ “ (Qur’an, 81: 8-9) 

Abortion of foetus is a very amoral act, which Islam has forbidden. Also, such operations are highly risky for the life and health of the mother. Dr Pak Nagar, addressing a seminar on abortion has said" 

“…. it has been proved that forcing abortions reduces the expected age of the woman. Scientific research also has proved that abortion upsets the psychological balance of the woman’s mind. " [1] 

From 1951 to 1953, according to 

p: 44 

the statistics of the New York City, 2601 women died during abortions. In the next ten years the fatality on this account has risen by 42%. In Chile 39% of female deaths were on account of abortions. 

One excuse for having access to forced abortions is poverty. Some parents take shelter behind their poverty to kill their innocent children. 

There is no doubt that lots of families are victims of poverty. It is no doubt very difficult to bring up a family in the midst of poverty. But Islam does not accept the excuse of aborting children because of the unfortunate condition of poverty and penury. Allah says in the Holy Qur’an: 

“Do not kill your children with fear of poverty. We give you and them the sustenance. Killing children is definitely a big sin. " (Qur’an, 17: 31) 

When the foetus has already formed, the parents should bear the hardship courageously that possibly the child might grow into a great person and bring laurels for the family and the society. Possibly the child may become the cause of the economic well being of the family and they get relief from their poverty. 

Other excuses are also made for undergoing abortions like outdoor activities, official responsibilities and already having too many children. But these are not such valid excuses that the Islamic Jurisprudence and common sense permit abortions. 

Not only abortion is unlawful in the eyes of Islam but also retribution has been fixed for this sinful act which differs according to the age of the foetus which 

p: 45 

has been aborted forcibly. 

Imam as-Sadiq says: 

“If the aborted child is in embryo form then the blood money is equal to 20 dinars of gold. If the pregnancy has reached the form of a lump of flesh, the blood money has to be forty dinars of gold. If the pregnancy has advanced to the form of muzga and flesh the blood money has to be sixty gold dinars and if the foetus has formed bones the levy is eighty gold dinars. If the foetus has reached total human form the levy is one hundred gold dinars. If the aborted child is so developed that it has spirit in it, then the deet or punishment will be one human life. [1] 

The lady, Afsar al Maluk Amili has written a beautiful poem on this subject, translated as under 

“The tiny aborted child appeared in my dream and said: 

‘If you meet my mother, ask her, mother: 

What fault you found in me that you shed my blood unnecessarily! 

As a child I was biding my time peacefully, then why the order for my killing?! 

You have sharpened your fangs and paws, and have sullied your lapel with my blood! 

I was a newly arrived guest with you and had caused no harm to you. 

Guests are there to be entertained, not to be killed heartlessly 

You were worrying about the expenses for my upkeep that you extinguished my tiny existence! 

Mother! I had brought my sustenance with me, but it is a pity you didn’t believe in it! 

You preferred to keep yourself 

p: 46 

free to move around, instead of looking after me, and laid the foundation for tyranny! 

For children the mother is their hope and with her they are contented! 

I wished that I look at your face and pick flowers from your beauteous garden. 

I wished to suckle milk from your bosom and thus relieve your sorrows. 

I wished that I drank your milk and your voice reached my ears 

I thought that when you saw my smiles you would sit near me on my bed. 

I hoped that you would send me to school and give me the lesson of righteousness. 

Returning home from school I would make you happy by reciting the nursery rhymes. 

I wished that when I am a youth, then you would realize my value. 

In your frail old age I would have been your prop and help. 

Now I am in the Heaven like a pure spirit and my place is with the houris. 

You should now express repentance that perhaps the Merciful Allah forgives you. 

O Afsar My request to you is to is to convey my message to all the mothers’

---------------

[1]: Maktab e Islam, Year 13, Issue 8 

[1]: Wasail al-shia, v 19, p. 169

Chapter 15: Difficult Deliveries 

Pregnancy generally lasts for nine months and ten days. The pregnancy period is very sensitive and full of risks because it has a bearing on the future of the growing foetus. The child in the period spends its life within that enclosure over which it has no control and can be exposed to several physical and psychological dangers. 

The child will not have capabilities of himself confronting and contending with these risks. After 

p: 47 

completing the nine months in the womb successfully it has to pass through another risky phase which is delivery. The process of delivery is not easy and simple but it is very sensitive and difficult. 

The child grows to a size in the nine months that particularly its head at this stage is much larger than other parts of the body that its delivery from the narrow passage of the womb becomes very difficult. The possibility during delivery is always there that the child’s bones get crushed or twisted. There can also be the likelihood of the brain getting damaged due to the pressure during parturition. 

One expert writes: 

“The process of delivery can possibly cause psychological defects in the child. Psychiatrists are of opinion that the process of delivery of a child will have a significant bearing on its entire life. In their view delivery is a revolutionary change in the environment and life of the child and deprives it of the security and rest, which it had so far in the foetus. At the time of delivery fear and concern becomes a part of the psyche of the person. The future life of the person is spent imagining unknown thoughts of troubles. The life spent in the foetus was carefree and delivery is the arrival in the travails of the world. [1] 

Dr. Jalali writes: 

When a child arrives in the world, it will be under pressure for a few hours and the most affected will be its head that will be the 

p: 48 

largest part of the body at birth. If the delivery is not normal then the arrival will be more difficult and besides the risk of the environment, the child has to face the risks of handling with mechanical instruments used during the delivery. In such cases there is chance of infantile mortality. The illnesses like madness and paralysis in children may also me related to difficult deliveries. [1] 

Therefore, delivery of children is not a simple process and requires utmost care and skill to ensure safety of the mother and the child. A little carelessness on the part of the handlers might cause great damage to the mother and the child, sometimes resulting in mortality of either or both. But nowadays the facilities of skilled doctors and specialty medicines are in the access of people and the likelihood of harm to the mother or the child is much reduced. 

The pregnant ladies are advised that if they have access to a good gynecologist or a nursing home, they should consult them much ahead of the delivery. They must ascertain from the doctor the expected date of delivery and seek admission to the nursing home ahead of the delivery that they get better care than they can at home. 

The main advantage in such cases is that the doctors and nurses are available at the nursing homes and if there is any emergency it can be attended to without much loss of time. If, while staying at home, a pregnant woman faces an 

p: 49 

emergency, the delay in reaching her to the doctors might result in danger to the mother and the child. 

The other valid reason for sending the pregnant woman to the maternity home prior to the delivery is that the same sanitary environment and personalized medical attention cannot be provided at her own home. 

Another advantage of going to the maternity home is that the chances of the pregnant lady facing unnecessary and unwarranted interference and opinions of the other women from the family will not be there. Generally such opinions are not educated and they may at times be harmful. 

The husband too has a big responsibility during the pregnancy and delivery of his wife. Religiously and morally it is his duty that during this delicate and hazardous time he should provide help and courage to the wife and take all the possible steps to ensure safe delivery of the child. 

Carelessness on the part of the husband may even sometimes result in the loss of the mother and the child or they sustain physical and psychological damage. Such heedless husbands will be deemed criminal in the eyes of religion and the society and they will be answerable on the Day of Judgment. They will also suffer the pangs of remorse if for reasons of carelessness or miserliness they avoid providing necessary care to the pregnant wives. 

Sometimes, because of the neglect at the required time the husbands have to incur much more expense to salvage the resultant damage. If the families of the 

p: 50 

pregnant women do not have access to the maternity homes then they should take the services of the competent midwives who have necessary skills and experience of attending to deliveries. In this regard the following precautions must be taken: 

1. The temperature of the labor room should be moderate and it should not be too cold. This is important because the pregnant women will be under tremendous pressure and due to the long hours of labor pain they will be indisposed and sweating and there can be likelihood of the babies catching colds and getting exposed to several ailments. If the delivery room becomes colder after the delivery the mother will most likely catch cold. 

The cold wind is very harmful for the new born baby because the environment in the mother’s womb will be warmer (having the normal human temperature (37. 5 degrees Centigrade) and the room temperature will be much less. The body of the baby at the delivery will not have sufficient strength to adjust to the change Such babies are likely to fall ill and their treatment is rather difficult. Mortality rate in such babies is rather high. 

2. It is necessary to prevent the air in the delivery room from becoming poisonous with the smoke of burning kerosene oil or coal. Breathing such polluted air is dangerous for both mothers and children. 

3. It is advisable to maintain privacy in the delivery rooms to the extent possible. Keep unnecessary visitors out of the labor room. Such visitors might cause embarrassment 

p: 51 

and unease to the pregnant woman and may carry infections when they come from outside. Other women looking at the private parts of a woman is prohibited under Islam. During deliveries the pregnant women will be unable to cover their private parts. Imam Sajjad ordered other women to leave the labor room when a pregnant woman was delivering lest her private parts are exposed to them [1] 

A responsible pregnant woman should exercise all care during pregnancy and delivery that she delivers a healthy baby to the society that it becomes a useful member of the community. In the view of Allah too it is the best service that a woman can give and will get its reward. One day the Prophet was speaking on the subject of Jihad. 

One lady asked, “O, Prophet of Allah Will the women be deprived of the benefits of Jihad? ” The Prophet replied that the woman too gets the benefit of the Jihad that the time from the conception to delivery and feeding of the child till its weaning the woman is like the man who is at the battlefield doing Jihad. If that woman dies during this period she would have achieved martyrdom. [2]

---------------

[1]: Biography Pish az tawallud, p. 160 

[1]: Ruwan shinashi kudak, p. 193 

[1]: Wasail al-shia, v 10, p. 119 

[2]: Makarim al-akhlaq, v 1, p. 268

Chapter 16: After the Birth 

When a child takes birth the air gets into its lungs and it starts breathing. After commencing the act of breathing the baby cries for the first time. This crying is because of the reaction of the air getting into the lungs. If the child doesn’t breathe and 

p: 52 

cry, it is held with its feet up and the head is gently stroked to help it breathe. 

Then the umbilicus is tied and is severed with a sanitized scissors. After this the child is given a bath with soap and lukewarm water and clothed. For sometime the child does not need feeding. Then drops of warmish water mixed with sugar are put into the child’s mouth. 

The newborn will generally be in a state of dreaming. It needs lot of rest because it has undergone external and internal transition. Earlier it was dependent on the mother’s nutrition but now its own digestive system has to start functioning. 

During pregnancy the child depended for oxygen on the mother’s breathing but after delivery its own respiratory system has to start functioning. It now takes its own oxygen from the atmosphere and ejects carbon dioxide during breathing. Its internal functioning would have undergone a major change and its external condition and environment is also totally changed. Earlier in the womb of the mother the temperature was 37. 5 Degrees Centigrade but now it is in an environment which has transient temperature conditions. 

During delivery too the child is subject to lot of pressure which needs mitigation. At this time the child will be like a postoperative patient who has just come out of an operation theatre who, above all, needs lots of rest. It will be like a machine, which has just come out of the shop floor, which needs delicate and careful handling. In 

p: 53 

this circumstance the best that can be done for the child is to provide him restful environment that it overcomes the hardship faced during the process of delivery. 

Dr Jalali writes: 

“Tickling the child to laughter, lifting it up repeatedly, changing its garments frequently and showing it to others are not desirable acts which one should refrain from. The child is not a toy and it needs rest and peace. Avoid speaking loudly in its presence and refrain from lifting him up and down in an attempt to soothe him. Hugging and kissing the child too are not good for him. [1] 

The mother too needs lots of rest and strength. During the nine months of pregnancy she would have gone through lots of travails. Especially after delivery she would be very weak as if she has lost most of the blood from her body. At this time the thoughtful husband: should provide to her all possible comforts and with good nutrition try to put her back to normal health. If medical attention and medication is required, then it should be provided without any loss of time. If the husband is negligent at this juncture then the wife will remain dull and weak and the consequences will have to be borne by him too.

---------------

[1]: Ruwan shinashi kudak, p. 223

Chapter 17: Mother’s Milk, The Best Nutrition 

The mother’s milk is the best and complete food for the child. In many ways it can be preferred over the other food products available for them, like: the milk of cow, goat or commercially branded milk foods. 

1. 

p: 54 

The mother’s milk, on account of its nutrient value, will be ideally suited for the machinery of the child. It is very compatible for the child’s needs because it has been drawing nutrition from the mother for nine months during the pregnancy and will continue to get the same contents from the milk provided by the mother. 

2. Because the mother’s milk is utilized in its natural condition it retains its nutritive value. To the contrary the cow’s milk has to be boiled before use and many nutrients might get destroyed in the process. 

3. From the point of view of the child’s health the mother’s milk is most preferable because it is least likely to be contaminated with germs because it is fed to child directly from the bosom. The other milk passes through many utensils and can be infected by germs in the process. 

4. The mother’s milk is always consumed fresh, while the other milk might spoil during storage. 

5. There is no likelihood of adulteration of mother’s milk but other milks have that risk. 

6. Mother’s milk will be free of disease causing germs but other milk has the risk of carrying such organisms. 

Mother’s milk is the safest food for the newborn and other babies. The children brought up on the mother’s milk are healthier as compared to those who are fed on milk from other sources. Infant mortality in children fed on mother’s milk is also found lesser than in the case of the other group. 

There is another advantage in 

p: 55 

the mother feeding the child on her own milk is that her periods are delayed and the chances of her getting pregnant again are postponed to that extent. 

Islam too stresses the importance of the mother’s milk for the child and terms it the natural right of the child to be fed on it. 

‘Ali, The Commander of the Faithful, says: 

“No other milk is as good as the mother’s milk for the child. " [1] 

The mother’s milk is of such prime importance in the eyes of Islam that when she feeds her child on it, she is earning rewards for the Hereafter. 

The Prophet of Islam has said: 

“As many times as a mother suckles her milk to the child, so many times Allah’s reward to her will be equivalent to freeing a slave from the tribe of Ismail. When she reached the weaning stage, an Angel would put his hand on the arm of the mother and say,’ start your life afresh that your past sins have been pardoned! ’" [2] 

At a seminar in the University of Shiraz the experts agreed, to the last person, that any other food or combination of vitamins cannot be a substitute of the mother’s milk for the newborn child. 

Dr Simeen Wakifi says: 

“It is a matter of concern that lots of mothers, blindly following the practice of the Western women, forcing early weaning on their children, give them dehydrated milk powders and other synthetic baby foods. This practice is against the nutritional requirement of the child and is no substitute for 

p: 56 

the mother’s own milk which is superior in every respect. " [1] 

Another expert writes: 

“The mother’s milk is a unique food which nature has provided for the babies and no other feed is substitute for that. Therefore every effort should be made to see that the mother is able to feed the baby on her own milk. If the mother is running dry, she should take extra care of her own nutrition to revive lactation. " [2] 

The responsible and informed mothers who are interested in the welfare of their children don’t deprive them of the bounty that Allah has provided to them. These women know the effect of the milk on the body and mind of the growing child. Therefore they sacrifice their own comfort for the health and welfare of the child. Only such women deserve to be called mothers and not those ignorant and selfish women who, despite proper lactation, render themselves dry and bring up the children on dried milk powder. 

The women who do not feed their babies on their own milk might become victims of several physical and psychological ailments. The cancer of the breast is one serious ailment that is prevalent in such women. 

It is appropriate here to draw the attention of the mothers who feed babies on their own milk to take special care of their personal diet. The nutrition that the mother takes has a direct bearing on the nutritive value of the milk she produces. The mother’s food should be a balanced combination of different 

p: 57 

fruits, vegetables and grains. 

Fluid and succulent foods are useful. The mothers should not think that only expensive food could be good food. They can judiciously plan a balanced food that can be nutritious and not expensive at the same time. They can refer to good books on diet planning for this purpose. One such books observes: 

"Expert dieticians advise that lactating mothers should consume a combination of food products available to them. In particular they should include lubia beans, grams, milk, fresh butter, coconut, olives, walnuts, almonds, sweet and succulent fruits like water melon, gurma or musk melon, and pears etc. " [1] 

Imam as-Sadiq says: 

“If you have engaged a Jewish or Christian woman to foster feed your child then ask her to abstain from consuming pork and alcoholic beverages. " [2] 

If the feeding mother falls ill and has to take medication, she must keep the matter in mind that her own milk might get the effect of the medicines and harm the child who feeds on it. The mother should not indulge in using medicines without consulting a competent medical doctor.

---------------

[1]: Wasail al-shia, v 15, p. 175 

[2]: Wasail al-shia, v 15, p. 175 

[1]: Behdasht jismi rawafi kudak, p. 63 

[2]: Aijaz khurakia, 258 

[1]: Aijaz khurakia, 251-256 

[2]: Mustadrak al-wasail, v 2, p. 224

Chapter 18: Supplement the Mothers Milk 

The principal food of the baby is no doubt the mother’s milk but it is better to supplement judiciously with a little fish oil and fruit extracts. This will ensure that the feed is complete and the child grows in a better way. As the child grows its requirement of food increases. It reaches a stage when the mother’s milk becomes insufficient for the child. 

At this stage other food materials are 

p: 58 

included in the child’s diet to provide optimum level of nutrition. After four months of delivery, or latest by six months, the child must be trained to eat other foods. It is important that the baby’s feed is soft and succulent. Juices of different fruit can be ideal at this stage. 

Water strained after boiling vegetables in it can be a good source of nutrients for the child. Soups are good for the growth of the child. When the child starts setting teeth the diet can have boiled potatoes, boiled eggs, biscuits, fresh cheese, bread, butter and fresh fruits. There should be variety in the diet of a child, but care has to be taken that it is not over fed.

Chapter 19: Weaning from Mothers Milk 

There are certain times when a child is deprived of the mother’s milk. 

1. The time when the mother is affected with some infectious disease. 

2. When the mother is suffering from a serious health condition like a heart attack and the doctors advised not to breast-feed the baby. 

3. When the mother is mentally ill or suffers from epilepsy. 

4. When the mother is suffering from anemia and feeding the baby on her own milk may be harmful to both. 

5. When the mother is addicted to drugs and alcoholic beverages because her milk poisoned by these materials will harm the baby. 

In such conditions when there is the danger of infecting the baby or transferring poisonous matter through the milk, it is better to avoid feeding on the mother’s milk. When the 

p: 59 

breast-feeding mother becomes pregnant, she should wean the child in stages and simultaneously introduce other foods in the diet.

Chapter 20: The Schedule of Breast Feeding 

The experts have suggested two methods for feeding of the babies. Some are of opinion that for feeding the child well thought out schedules have to be devised and the feeding should be done implicitly at those predetermined intervals. Between two feedings some have prescribed a delay of three hours and some suggest a gap of four hours. In the interim period it is recommended to abstain from feeding the baby. 

Some other experts do not approve of this type of scheduling. And they believe in feeding the baby more frequently on the basis of the indication of the appetite by the baby. They say that whenever the baby shows the desire for food, it must be fed. 

Some other nutritionists feel that the latter method of feeding is more suitable as they believe that the baby must get the milk whenever it shows signs of hunger. Both the methods, however, have their own pros and cons as illustrated here: 

1. Hunger or thirst of a child cannot be determined positively because it cannot express its need clearly. In the initial stage of feeding it will be drinking the milk for sating its appetite and then it continues to suckle the breasts. In such situations the child cries not so much with hunger as with the desire to suckle the mother’s breast. 

The mother too gives her milk to the child to stop 

p: 60 

his crying. Often the child cries without any appetite for food but the mother gives it the milk thinking that it is hungry. The child therefore drinks the mother’s milk while it has the appetite and sometimes when it doesn’t. It is a well established fact that taking of food at erratic intervals is not good for the health of the children as it is for the adults this habit might upset the digestive system of the child. 

This is why unplanned feeding of babies is fraught with risk of illness for them. 

‘Ali, The Commander of the Faithful, says: 

“Excessive eating and eating more thereafter should be avoided. Those who eat more are more likely to fall ill. ” [1] 

2. The child who drinks milk without any controlled schedule will have a disorganized existence from the very beginning and grow into a disorderly adult. 

3. It is common practice that whenever a baby cries, the mother’s breast is given to it without trying to determine the cause of the crying. Such children get into the habit of skulking all the time. They think that crying and shouting is the only way to get things done according to their wishes. They can never show patience and courage in doing anything. They want to achieve their end immediately even if they have to cry profusely for the purpose. They do not feel ashamed at playing such shameful antics. 

4. The parents and other members of the families are always restless because of such children. 

Dr Jalali writes about 

p: 61 

such children: 

“If the feeding schedule of a child is fixed in consultation with an expert pediatrician then it will get used to the timings and the mothers will understand when the child is hungry and when its appetite is sated. 

Secondly, people do their daily tasks as a force of habit. Similarly feeding of the child too becomes a habit and is done almost automatically at the scheduled timings. [1] 

Russel says: 

“These days an ordinary mother knows the norms of bringing up children. She knows that it is important to feed the baby at predetermined intervals and not whenever it cries for some reason or the other. She knows that such regime is followed to keep the digestive system of the baby in good trim… 

When the children see that the parents are acceding to their cries, it becomes their second habit and keeps crying at the slightest excuse. It also happens that the repeated episodes of crying over a long period earn them the anger of their parents. When the children realize this, they become morose and the world looks cold, dry and bleak to them. ” [2] 

Attention must be paid to a few points: 

1. For all the children the same program of feeding could not be possibly adopted. Every child will have its own digestive and nutritive requirements. And also the food requirements of any child are very dynamic. The digestive system of the new-born will be delicately tiny for the first forty to fifty days from birth. 

Therefore it can retain 

p: 62 

very small quantity of milk. It will be able to take a very small quantity of milk at a time. But it becomes hungry very soon thereafter. During this period the feeding times have to be of shorter intervals, say, every hour and a half to two hours. But as the children grow the gap between the feeds have to be increase, say, a feed every three to four hours or even more. 

2. All the children will not be of the same physical condition and digestive capacity. Therefore an individual feeding program has to be developed for every individual child. Some children become hungry quite soon after a feed and others take more time for the same. Careful mothers are very observant and they take care to design an ideal schedule of feeding for their children in consultation with experts. 

3. Whenever milk is given to the baby, care has to be taken that it is fully satisfied with the feed. But mothers must carefully observe that the newborn babies fall asleep while feeding on their breasts. In such instances they may not be fully fed and the mother has to gently strike the back of the child that it wakes up and completes its feed. 

4. When the complete program of feeding the child is prepared it must be put to practice very carefully. The gaps between the feeds must be strictly adhered to. In between two scheduled feeds the child must not be given the milk even if it cries. 

p: 63 

This task needs patience and firmness on the part of the mother to ensure that the child gets used to the regime. Then the child will awake automatically at the scheduled time to receive its feed. Patience and forbearance will become a part of the nature of such children. 

5. The feeding schedule of the children must be prepared in such a way that from midnight to dawn there is no need of feeding it. When the child takes to this habit, both the mother and the child will have a good night’s rest. 

6. The breasts must be cleaned with a little cotton wool after every feed. This is essential for the health and hygiene and will also prevent the chance of injury to the breast. 

7. When a child suckles the mother’s milk some air too enters its digestive tract and makes it uneasy. Therefore, after every feed the child has to be raised a little and its back is gently tapped to see that the air comes out of its digestive system. 

8. The suckling baby should be fed from both the breasts of the mother. This should be done to avoid drying of the milk, which can result in the pain of the breast. One lady says, ”Imam as-Sadiq told to me,’ do not feed your child only from one of your breasts to ensure that it gets complete food. ’” [1] 

9. The lactating mothers should take care that they do not perform very tiring physical tasks and avoid spells of 

p: 64 

anger. This is advised because such events can affect their capacity to produce milk, which ultimately is bad for the child.

---------------

[1]: Mustdarak al-wasail, v3, p. 82 

[1]: Ruwan shinasi kudak, p. 224 

[2]: Dar Tarbiat, p. 78 

[1]: Wasail al-shiah, v15, p. 176

Chapter 21: If the Mother is Deficient in Milk 

If the mother is unable to satisfy the appetite of the baby, she has no right to deprive the baby of her own milk. She must breast feed the baby to the extent of the milk available with her and supplement it with other milk and nutrition. But if the mother is totally dry, which condition is quite rare, she can wean the child and turn to the cow’s milk, which is qualitatively very similar to the mother’s milk. When shifting to the cow’s milk the following have to be borne in mind: 

1. The cow’s milk is generally denser and heavier than the mother’s milk. Therefore it should be diluted with some boiled water before feeding to the child so that it comes closer to the density of the mother’s milk. The milk should also be sweetened with a little sugar. 

2. The cow’s milk should be boiled for fifteen minutes to ensure that any germs present there are destroyed. 

3. The milk, while feeding to the baby, should neither be too hot nor very cold. The temperature of the milk to be ideally close to the temperature of the mother’s milk. 

4. Every time the child is given milk, ensure that the feeding bottle is properly washed and free from contamination to prevent the child from getting infected.. 

5. Efforts have to be made to ensure that right type of 

p: 65 

milk is used for feeding. 

If the mother wishes to use dried milk powders for feeding the child then it is necessary to consult a pediatrician to get the recommendation for the baby food suitable for the child. There are several products available in the market to suit specific requirements of children of varying ages and physical condition and only an expert can decide on the product suitable for any particular child. 

If the milk recommended by the doctor is not found suitable, then the mother should refer back to the doctor and get a fresh recommendation.

Chapter 22: Weaning the Child 

The baby should ideally be on the mother’s milk for a period of two years. Every child has a right to be on breast-feeding for two years, which Allah has granted to it. Allah says in the Qur’an: 

"Mothers should feed their milk to the children for two years. " (2: 233) 

If the mother has to wean the child earlier than two years, she is permitted to do it but not earlier than twenty-one months of feeding. 

Imam as-Sadiq says: 

“The period of the mother feeding the child should be a minimum of twenty one months. If someone feeds the child for a lesser period, it will be causing a hardship to the child. " [1] 

In the two years of feeding by the mother, the child slowly gets used to consuming other types of food. In this period the mother can taper down the breast-feeding and substitute it with other nutritive foods. After the period of breast- feeding is over 

p: 66 

the child is weaned. Now it will get ready to have other type of nutrition. Careful and informed mothers know the type of foods on which their children can be fed. These foods have to suit the nature of the child and should have good nutritive value. 

Weaning the child from the breast is however not an easy task. For some days it will cry and crave for the breast-feeding. At this juncture the mother has to exercise a lot of patience and tact. The mothers sometimes try to apply some bitter material on their nipples or color the breasts black that the child develops an aversion for feeding on it. But care has to be taken not to scare the child. The child should not get a fear complex during weaning that it can have wrong effect on its health and psychology.

---------------

[1]: Wasail al-shiah, v15, p. 177

Chapter 23: Daughter or Son 

No sooner a woman becomes pregnant the speculation commences whether she will have a male or a female issue. She offers prayers for having a son. When her relatives come visiting her they say that the glow on her face indicates that she would get a son. Her adversaries say that her eyes indicate she is carrying a girl. The husband too wishes for a son. He occasionally expresses this desire to her. Prior to delivery the mind of every relative around in the maternity home wonders whether she will give birth to a boy or a girl. 

When they come to know that the new arrival is 

p: 67 

a girl, sudden quiet descends on the gathering. But if it is a boy there will be instant shouts of joy. When the father hears of the birth of a boy, he becomes overjoyed. He will run to fetch sweets and fruits for the visitors. He issues instructions for taking good care of the child lest he caught cold. He starts pampering his wife and distributes gifts to the midwife and the attendants. 

But, if the new arrival were a girl, his mien would drop. He would go and sit in a corner. He starts cursing his ill luck He thus makes his existence bitter. He neglects his convalescent wife and sometimes even talks of divorcing her. This is the state of affairs of our degenerate society. But there are always exceptions. There are parents who receive a daughter with open arms and affection as they do the son. But such families are in a minority. 

Dear father and respected mother: 

What difference it makes if you have a son or a daughter? Is a daughter less human than a son? Doesn’t a daughter have the capacity to grow and progress? Can’t she become a useful and valuable person? Is the daughter not your offspring? What special advantage the parents draw from a son that the daughter cannot provide them? If the daughter was not important in the eyes of Allah, then the progeny of the Holy Prophet would not have come through his daughter Fatima Zahra. 

If you bring up the daughter 

p: 68 

properly she will not be any less than a son for you. If you see the pages of history you will find references of women who were more capable than thousands of men. 

Why this ignoble thinking in our society which has reduced the status of our women. There is need to carry on jihad against this evil. There is need to remove the thought of any difference between a son and a daughter. A daughter can be as useful and efficient a person as a son. You must receive the news of the birth of a healthy child, be it a son or a daughter, with equal happiness. You must thank God that it is a gift from Him that has come to you. It is a part of your existence that has come to the world. 

The Prophet and his Holy Descendants always took this attitude towards the life. 

Whenever the Imam Sajjad received the news of the birth of a child he never enquired if it was a son or a daughter. But he used to offer a prayer to Allah when he used to be informed that the new-born was hale and hearty. [1] 

One day the Holy Prophet was busy talking to his companions when a person reached his presence and informed that Allah has given to him a daughter. He was joyful and offered his thanks to Allah. But when he saw the faces of his companions he found them crestfallen. He was upset with them and said, 

p: 69 

“What has happened to you? Allah has given to me a flower whose fragrance I smell. Allah has ensured sustenance for her too as He would for a son! " [1] 

Allah has deplored the discrimination between the sons and daughters thus: 

“When they get tidings of a daughter their faces turn dark with shame; anger pervades them and they hide their faces from others. " (Qur’an, 16: 58-59)

---------------

[1]: Wasail al-shiah, v15, p. 143 

[1]: Wasail al-shiah

Chapter 24: Naming the Child 

One of the prime responsibilities of the parents is the selection of a name for the new-born child. They should not treat this important thing as a triviality. Individuals and families are recognized with their names. If the name is affable the person will be well received by the people. Persons with unpleasant sounding names will not get good attention from others and sometimes even they might ridicule them. The persons who are given improper names will be victims of inferiority complex. Therefore Islam requires the parents to exercise care in selecting good names for their children. 

The Holy Prophet has said: 

“It is the responsibility of every father to choose a good name for his child. " [2] 

“The children have three rights over their fathers. The first is that they are given good names. Secondly, they are provided good education; and lastly, they help them to select good spouses. " [3] 

Imam Musa al-Kadhim said: 

‘The first good that a father does to his child is that he selects a worthy name for him. " [4] 

On the other hand the name of a person has a lot of social 

p: 70 

significance too. It is his name, which gets recognition to a person that he belongs to a respectable family. If the parents have high regard for a well-known poet, they may name their child after him. If the parents are fond of high learning they may select the name of a reputed scholar. 

The highly religious parents name their children after the prophets, the Imams and other religious personalities. If the parents desire their children to struggle in the cause of the faith, they name them after Muhammad, ‘Ali, Hasan, Husayn, Abul Fadhl, Abbas, Hamza, Jaffar, Abu Dharr, Ammar, Saeed etc. 

If the parents are enamored of any sport they like to name their children after renowned players of that sport. Similarly if the parents appreciate the art of any musician, they may prefer to name their child after that person. 

When the nature of the parents is tyrannical, they take pride in naming the child after historical personalities like Alexander, Changes, Timor etc. It is noticed that while naming the child the parents generally associate themselves with certain groups and people of the past this will have a definite impact on the nature and thinking of the child when he grows up. 

The Holy Prophet has said: 

“Keep good names, because on the Day of Judgment you will be called by these names only. It will be proclaimed, ‘so-and-so son of so-and-so Rise and get associated with your light, So-and-so, son of so-and-so Arise that there is no light for you that can 

p: 71 

guide you! ’” [1] 

One person said to Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq, “We name our children after your name and the names of your revered ancestors. Is this beneficial for us. ”The Imam replies, “Yes By Allah’s faith anything else than love for the pious and hate towards the profane! " 

For the propagation of their beliefs people derive benefit from every opportunity to project the names of the important personalities. They go to the extent of naming the towns, streets and other landmarks after important personalities. A responsible and devoted muslim too takes every opportunity to perpetuate the names of the great personalities of Islam and one of such acts is to name his children after them. 

Yes Hasan, Husayn, Abul Fadhl, ‘Ali Akbar, Hur, Qasim, Hamza, Ja’far, Abu Dharr, Ammar are amongst the names which enliven the spirit to remember the valiant acts of the great persons and encourage the coming generations to groom themselves on those models. When a person is named after the Holy Prophets like Ibrahim, Musa, Isa or Muhammad he is bound to have a feeling that he must try to be as righteous a person as he can. When a person is named after the friends and devotees of the Holy ahl al bait like Abu Dharr, Maithum and Ammar he will realise the significance of the deeds of those great men. An intelligent Muslim will not give the names of tyrants and enemies of Islam to his children. 

Imam Baqir says: 

”Beware of the Satan When he hears that someone 

p: 72 

is called as Muhammad and ‘Ali, he melts in such a way as the lead melts and when he hears that someone is named after one of our enemies he is overwhelmed with happiness. " [1] 

The Prophet of Islam said: 

“Whoever gets four sons, and he has not named even one after me has been cruel on me. " [2] 

Imam Muhammad Baqir said: 

“The peerless names are the names of the Prophets. " 

The Holy Prophet attached so much importance to names that if he did not like the name of any companion or a place, he would immediately change the name. He changed the name of Abd al Shams to Abd al Wahab. He named Abd al Uzza (the slave of Uzza the idol) to Abd Allah. Abd al Haris (the tiger) to Abd ar Rahman and Abd al Ka’aba to Abd Allah.

---------------

[2]: Wasail al-shiah, v2, p. 618 

[3]: Wasail al-shiah, v104, p. 92 

[4]: Wasail al-shiah, v15, p. 122 

[1]: Wasail al-shiah, v15, p. 123 

[1]: Wasail al-shiah, v15, p. 127 

[2]: Ibid.

Chapter 25: Health and Hygiene 

The dress of the child should be so designed that it suits the weather and the climate of the environment in which it is living. The dress should be such that the child should neither sweat during warm weather nor should it shiver during winter Soft and simple cottons are ideal for the child. 

The clothes should not be tight fitting which obstruct the movements of the child. Changing tight fitting garments is inconvenient for the child and the mother finds it difficult putting them on or removing them. It is a practice among people that they pack the child in tight clothes that its limbs do not move. Definitely, 

p: 73 

this is not a good practice and is harmful for the child. Doing this the freedom of the tiny baby is badly curbed. Such practice does hamper the normal growth of the child. 

One author from the West writes: 

“No sooner the child is delivered from the mother’s womb, it wants to move its limbs and enjoy its freedom. This is when many mothers confine them to tight clothes. They first stretch the limbs of the babies on the ground, wrap them with many cloths and tie a belt around them that they are unable to move. Thus the growth of the children, which has to be dynamic at this stage, slows down very much and they are stunted. 

The countries where this uncivilized practice is not prevalent, the children have their normal growth and the people are generally robust, healthy and strong. To the contrary the areas where babies are tied up after birth there come about many deformities like lameness, dwarfing etc. Can one imagine the impact of such upbringing on the mind and soul of the children? 

The first thought the child gets is of being a captive because it is not able to move freely. The condition of the child will be worse than that of a prisoner. Such children become irate and start crying and shouting. Imagine, if your limbs too are tied up, would you not cry and shout! " 

The child too is a human being. It will have feelings and sensations. It also wishes to have 

p: 74 

freedom and comfort. When its freedom is curbed by tying it up tightly it will naturally feel the pain. But it cannot defend itself and the only reaction it can show is that it starts crying. This creates pressure in the child’s mind and in stages makes him excitable, peevish and short tempered. 

The child’s dress should always be kept clean. Whenever it wets the clothes, they must be immediately changed. The child’s feet must be washed at intervals and the body given massage with olive oil so that it doesn’t develop a dry skin. After a few wettings, the child should be given a bath. This way the child can be prevented from many ailments. Such a child will also appear clean, tidy and attractive to the eyes of the beholders. 

The Prophet of Islam has said: 

“Islam is the faith of purity. You must try to be pure and clean because only the clean can enter the Heaven. " [1] 

"Clean the children from oily dirt because the Satan smells them and they get scary dreams and the Angels get agitated. ” [2] 

Circumcision of the male child is a mandatory Islamic custom. This is very important for the health and hygiene of the child. This operation will prevent the child against the possible infection of the male genital organ. The circumcision can be postponed till the child grows up, but it is better to perform it within the first few days of the birth. Islam prescribes that the circumcision should be done on the 

p: 75 

seventh day of the birth of a male child. 

Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq says: 

“Do the circumcision of your child on the seventh day of his birth. This is best for him. It is also beneficial for his proper growth and upbringing. Certainly, the earth abhors the urine of the person who has not been circumcised" [1] 

The Holy Prophet says: 

“The new born must be circumcised on the seventh day of its birth that he gets healthy growth and upbringing. " [2] 

Tonsuring the baby on the seventh day is prescribed in Islam. An equivalent of the weight of the tonsured hair in gold or silver has to be given in charity. On the same day as aqiqa a fat tailed ram (dumba) is butchered and the meat distributed to the poor and needy. They can also be invited to partake of it in a feast. The aqiqa is a good charity and will avert any evil in store for the child. 

The new-born is very delicate. It needs all the care and attention of the parents. The foundation of health and happiness, or otherwise, will be laid in early childhood. The responsibility for this is on the shoulders of the parents. The parents, who are the cause of the child coming to the world, bear the responsibility to strive and bring it up as a robust, healthy human being. If the parents neglect this duty, they will be answerable for the consequences. 

The child is always surrounded with the possibility of several illnesses. It can be prevented from 

p: 76 

them with good care. The ailments, which can affect the children, are infantile paralysis, boils on the body, measles, diphtheria, convulsions, kalazar etc. Preventive vaccinations against such ailments are given to the babies. 

Generally paediatric hospitals have facilities of giving free preventive vaccinations to children against these diseases. The parents have no excuse to neglect their duty of getting timely preventive care for the children. If any disease afflicts the child because of their carelessness, they will be answerable to Allah and their conscience too will ever curse them. It must be understood that it is the responsibility of the parents that they take good care of the health and well being of their children that they grow into fit humans.

---------------

[1]: Majma al-zawaid, v5, p. 132 

[2]: Bihar al-anwar, v104, p. 95 

[1]: Wasail al-shiah, v15, p. 171 

[2]: Wasail al-shiah, v15, p. 175

Chapter 26: The Childs Sleep and Freedom of Movement 

During the first few weeks after the birth, the child sleeps most of the time. Approximately a new born sleeps for about 20 hours in a full day, but progressively the duration of waking hours increases. The need for total rest and sleep for a baby cannot be over stressed. Too much disturbance and noise makes the child restless and fidgety. The child prefers a peaceful environment so that it can sleep comfortably. 

Too much hugging, kissing and shifting from the arms of one person to another and bringing in too many visitors to see the baby will upset its tranquility. Noisy environment and blaring sounds of television and radio might affect the delicate nerves of the child. The sound sleep of the child should not be disturbed by 

p: 77 

careless behavior. It should not be moved around unnecessarily. If this practice is continued, over a period of time, the child will become short-tempered, excitable and peevish. 

The newly born baby dislikes noisy surroundings and getting moved around. Care has to be exercised to see that its environment is kept noise free and the child is moved around only when it is absolutely necessary. The child prefers to be on the mother’s lap or in its cradle, delicately swung, which makes it feel comfortable. 

With the motion of the cradle the child feels that some caring person is around. If there is total quiet and there is no movement the child feels lonely. This is more so because the mother’s womb is a cradle in which the child keeps moving and when it arrives in the world, it wants to move too. The mother’s sweet lullabies too comfort the baby. 

The child’s first year in the world is the period for the exercise of its body and limbs. The child likes movement for which it throws around the limbs. For this purpose the garments of the baby have to be loose fitting and of soft fabric. Tying up a child in many layers of clothing will impede its free movement and will have ill effect on its nerves. Such children have no other alternative than crying which will be the precursor of rebellious and angry nature.

Chapter 27: The Most Delicate Period of Life 

The most delicate and crucial period of life is the childhood. The foundation for the 

p: 78 

future personality of the individual is established at this time. The slightest neglect might cause irreparable harm to the child’s future personality and temperament. In fact, the first three years of the child’s life play a very crucial role in the metamorphosis of its personality and character. 

Perhaps all, and definitely most, people don’t realize this very important aspect of upbringing of a child. They generally say, 

“Small children, and babies in particular, have no capacity to comprehend anything. They cannot speak and therefore are incapable of expressing their thoughts and feelings. They are so helpless that they even have no control over their bowels and hence have no capability to learn anything on their own". 

With such an attitude the parents squander the period of early childhood of the baby. This is the most impressionable and delicate period of the child’s life. During this apparently uncomplicated period the moral, cultural and religious instincts of the child take shape. 

In this early three years’ period the child picks up several hundred words and gets acquainted with their meanings. It will start distinguishing between good and bad, friendship and enmity, pretty and ugly, small and big; it will also get the faculty of identifying different colors, the taste of foods. 

It develops the faculty of observation and speech. It starts showing rudiments of the thought process. It learns to crawl and walk. It will learn to laugh and to cry. During this three years’ period there will be thousands of events that might affect the 

p: 79 

psyche of the child and have a bearing on its future temperament. 

Despite all this, there will hardly be any person who can recall events of the first three years of his life. All the events of the time will be under a cloud of oblivion and forgetfulness. But, all the same, those forgotten memories would already have had tremendous effects on the nature and personality of the individual. Several psychological ailments, fears, traumas, anger etc are the products of the events of the first few years of the person's life. 

One psychologist writes: 

“If the child doesn’t develop a strong personality in the early years of his life, then he will not have the capability to bear the onerous responsibilities which will confront him in the future. He will become the victim of several psychological defects. Therefore it is observed that the origin of nervous defects in a person can be traced to his childhood. ……. 

Whenever a psychiatrist investigates the causes of any mental illness he draws an inference that the person had such conditions in his early childhood that are affecting the chances of his escape from his existing psychological problems" [1] 

Dr Jalali writes: 

“The foundation of the child’s social behaviour is laid in the first year of its life. …. Its bent of mind becomes evident during this period only. ” [2] 

Because of this, the responsible parents don’t neglect this delicate and impressionable period in the child’s life. They do not postpone the training of the child for the future. In fact the 

p: 80 

training and upbringing of the child commences with its birth. 

Some intellectuals observe: 

The child starts getting trained from its birth itself. The attention that the adults and other children around give him will be the first step of his training. Similarly the scenes and anecdotes that the child experiences and the sounds that he hears will have impact on its subconscious and have a bearing on his learning experience. Several habits and experiences that are the building blocks of the person’s character are connected with his childhood. Whatever attitude the parents adopt towards the child from its birth will have definite bearing on its upbringing and education. [1] 

The time for commencement of moral training is the moment of the birth of the person. This is the time when the training commences without any possibility of failure. If the training is commenced later on, there will be likelihood of confronting negative attitudes in the child. [2] 

‘Ali told to his son, Imam Hasan 

“The child’s mind is like the virgin land. Whatever is put into it, will be accepted. Therefore, before your heart turned hard and engrossed otherwise, I took steps to make you polite. " [3]

---------------

[1]: Ruwan shinasi Khudak o baligh, p. 106 

[2]: Ruwan shinasi Khudak o baligh, p. 302 

[1]: Ilm al nafs al Tarbi, p. 19 

[2]: Dar tarbiat, p. 79. 

[3]: Wasail al-shia, p. 197

Chapter 28: The New-born and Moral Up-bringing 

When the child arrives in the world, it is very delicate. It has a mind but it does not think. It sees with its eyes but does not recognize the objects around it. It does not have the faculty to identify colors and faces. It will have no idea about distance. It hears sounds but is unable 

p: 81 

to comprehend them. Similar will be the condition of its other senses. But, despite all this, the child will have the faculty to use all these senses and going through the experiences it learns to use all of them. 

Allah says in the Holy Qur’an: 

“Allah has delivered you from your mother’s wombs in such a condition that you knew nothing and endowed you with ears, eyes and hearts that, perhaps, you will become thankful. " (16: 78) 

The main activities of a baby will be eating, sleeping, flailing its limbs crying and making water. For some weeks the baby is able to perform only these activities. Although the activities of a new born are few and very simple, it establishes a rapport with the other members of the family through these, it makes experiments, forms habits and acquires knowledge about himself and the things around him. These are the contacts and experiences that go to make the moral fabric of the person of the future. 

‘Ali has said: “As the days go by, the mysteries unravel. " [1] 

The child is a weak societal individual. Without others help it can neither be alive nor can find sustenance. If others don’t come to its rescue, and don’t fulfill its wants, it would perish. The persons in whose care is a baby, also are responsible for its complete upbringing including moral and religious training. 

Thoughtful and caring parents, through their well-planned attitude, fulfill the needs of the new arrival and provide the ideal environment for the growth of its body 

p: 82 

and soul. They infuse good morals and habits in the child. To the contrary, uninformed parents, through thoughtless actions create undesirable habits in the child.: 

The new-born baby feels hungry and needs nutrition. It feels its need and looks to a Higher Being who can assuage its want. This is the reason the baby cries to attract the attention of the mother towards its need. If good care is taken to fulfill the child's needs, on the basis of a well-planned schedule, then it will sleep comfortably and will wake up at the correct time when it has to be given the feed. The nerves of such properly attended babies are at ease. They get used to good and regular habits. 

At this stage when the babies do not recognize anyone, will have their attention only on two things—their own frailty, helplessness and have their attention riveted on the Superior Power, which is Provider of all needs. They cry to get succour from that Hidden, Invisible Power that is the Creator of all things. The babies, on account of their frailty and infirmity, attach themselves to a Power that is Munificent. If this feeling in the children is perpetuated, it will become the foundation of Belief, Faith and Spiritual contentment in their future. 

The Prophet of Islam has said: 

“Never beat the children if they cry. Fulfill their needs. Because, for the first four months of the life of a child, its cries are a witness to the Existence and Unity of Allah, Almighty. " [1] 

p: 83 

For the first four months the newborn babies wouldn’t have acquired the social entity. They would not recognize anyone, even their own mothers. This is the only period when the babies have their attention focused on one unseen Power. But those babies who are victims of the negligence of their mothers helplessly cry to attract attention for help. The nerves of such children will be disturbed and mostly they are restless. In stages the peevishness of these children become their second nature. There will be lack of self-confidence in these children and they will be unruly and quarrelsome.

---------------

[1]: Ghurar al-hukm, p. 47 

[1]: Bihar al-anwar, v 104, p. 103

Chapter 29: Religious Upbringing of the New Born 

It is a fact that the new born children are unable to comprehend the meaning of what is told to them but they definitely are able to identify the surroundings and the faces around them. They do hear the sounds and their senses and the minds take note of them. Therefore it is not correct to say that the newborn babies don’t take any impression from what they see and what they hear in early childhood. 

Although the new born are unable to understand the meaning of the talk going on around them, the sounds of the words are registered on their minds and in stages they start to understand the meanings and they become a part of their vocabulary. Even amongst adults it is noted that the words which impress the mind most are retained in the memory. The adults recognize well-known persons easier than casual or occasional acquaintances. 

Similarly the new 

p: 84 

born baby too, living in a spiritual environment, hearing the recitation of the Holy Book, the word of Allah coming to their ears and having seen the parents offering prayers in their presence will develop into religiously upright persons. On the other hand the new born babies who are surrounded by irreligious persons, hear the sounds of uncivil and abusive language, are exposed to amoral music and songs, will no doubt grow up to be persons similar to those in whose company they are growing up. 

Intelligent and thoughtful parents will not waste any opportunity of training their children. They go to the extent that they take care to see that the children get to hear only good sounds and see good things. 

The prophet of Islam too has given his view on this important aspect of training of the children. He has said: 

“No sooner the child is born, recite the adhan (the Call for Prayer) in the right ear and the iqamah (the Call to rise for offering the Prayer) in the left. " 

‘Ali narrates from the Holy Prophet: 

“When a child is born in any family, the adhan should be recited in the child’s right ear and the iqamah in the left ear that the child is protected from the evil of the Satan. He (The Prophet) gave the same instruction at the birth of Imam Hasan and Imam Husayn. In addition he asked for recitation of ayat al Kursi, the final verses of Hashr, al Ikhlas, al 

p: 85 

Nas, and al Falaq to reach the child’s ears" [1] 

In some traditions it is narrated: 

“The Holy Prophet himself recited the adhan and the iqamah in the ears of Imam Hasan and Imam Husayn at their birth. " 

Yes. The Holy Prophet was aware that a child is not able to comprehend the meanings of adhan and iqamah recited into its ears, but the impact of the words which will be there on the mind of the new-born was not over looked. The Prophet was stressing on the point that these pious words would have salutary effect on the mind and spirit of the new arrival. 

Perhaps, the Holy Prophet was intending to instruct the parents about the proper upbringing of their children, that they commence their task right from the birth of the child. When a thoughtful parent recites the adhan in his child’s ear, then he is proclaiming that he is attaching his child to the group of worshippers of Allah. 

The effects the child takes in its early days are not related to the sense of hearing only. But, it can be said that whatever exposure the child’s other senses get will impact its mind and memory. For example, if a child witnesses any amoral act, although it may not understand the purport of the act, it will definitely have effect on its psyche. 

This is the reason the Holy Prophet has said: 

“If the child in the cradle is seeing, the man should refrain from copulating with his wife. " [2]

---------------

[1]: Mustadrak al-wasail,v2, p. 619 

[2]: Mustadrak al-wasail, v 2, p. 546

Chapter 30: The Sense of Belonging 

The newly 

p: 86 

born baby will be a delicate identity who cannot live on without support from others. When he was in the mother’s womb, he had a warm and cozy corner for himself, where the nutrition and warmth was provided by the mother. He had no concern for any needs. Now that he has arrived into the world, he has started to feel dependent. The first need the baby feels is, perhaps, the need for warmth because the environment it has come into is cooler. Then he feels the need for satisfying its hunger. 

For the first time it knows that for warmth and food he has to depend on others. At this stage he doesn’t know any one who can help. By nature he is aware of his needs and focuses his attention on an unseen Power to satisfy these needs. From the very beginning of his life the child is possessed with this sense of belonging, and this sense will be there with him throughout life. 

When the child feels hungry or thirsty, it cries. It will cling to the bosom of the mother and feels soothed with the lullabies sung by her. If the child gets the feeling of any danger around him, he clings to the apron strings of the mother. 

This sense of belonging which later on manifests itself in the habit of following the lead (taqlid) of others. The child models his morals and behavior on the morals and attitudes of the persons in his immediate surroundings. This 

p: 87 

sense of belonging which later on helps the child to make friends and play with his mates. The fraternity and affection towards the spouse and his own children are a natural continuation of the sense of belonging. This development in the child is the precursor of the gregarious nature of human beings. 

Therefore the sense of belonging that a child has is no triviality and is the most important aspect of the structure of the human society. The child develops the faculty of hope and contentment. He will develop the feeling of camaraderie towards others, he thinks good of others and expects their co-operation. When his opinion about the society is good, then he would extend his hand in support to it and make the necessary sacrifices towards this end. The people in the society will consider him as their well-wisher. 

Contrary to this, if the sense of belonging is suppressed, and is not utilized rightly, then the child might deviate from the straight path that God has assigned for him. The view of the psychologists is that at many stages the child, on account of the happenings in its environment, might get the rudiments of feeling of fear, restlessness, lack of confidence, shame, loneliness, sadness and even suicidal tendencies. 

If you want to satisfy the sense of belonging of the child properly, then always try to be its supporter. When it is hungry, feed it. Provide means of comfort to it. If the child has any discomfort or pain, try to ameliorate 

p: 88 

it. Keep his program of sleep and feed in control in such a way that it has no inconvenience. 

Avoid beating the child. The child doesn’t know anything other than its immediate needs. It only trusts an Unknown Power and it cries seeking the help of that Power. Don’t take out your ire on the child by beating it. 

The Holy Prophet says: 

“Do not beat the babies when they cry, because when a child under the age of four months cries, it is bearing witness to the Unity of Allah. " [1] 

Be a supporter of the child under all circumstances, even if you are unable to perform a task for him, try to treat him with love and care. If the child is uncomfortable, try to remove the cause of the discomfort. Never reprimand the child and threaten him that you would leave him alone and go away. Doing such acts might affect the child’s psychology. 

The child expects to be the cynosure of the eyes of the parents. If they don’t show affection to the child, it will be very upset. The child always tries to get the love and affection of the parents. Some parents make a wrong use of this tendency and tell him that if he did not obey them, they would not love him. They should avoid using this pretence. 

These subterfuges might ultimately affect the psyche of the child in stages. If the child cries, it can also be to attract the attention of the parents. The parents 

p: 89 

should handle the child with patience and thoughtfulness. If the child is admonished or beaten when it cries, it might quieten for the moment, but this will be the quietness of disappointment which might have dangerous impact on its mind. 

The child is always happy with the parents around and is uncomfortable when they are away. The parents should never talk about their death in the hearing of the child that will be very upsetting and disturbing for him. A sick parent should not mention possibility of his death in the presence of the child. If a parent has to travel away from the child for a considerably long period, prepare the child for the event. While away, maintain contact regularly. 

When a child refuses to take medicine, don’t frighten it by saying that if it did not comply, it would die. Take a positive attitude and try to console and convince him to take the medicine to get well. If the child is suffering from a serious ailment, maintain calm and composure in its presence. The parents should always try to be good friends and well wishers of the child throughout their lives. 

It should be borne in minds that the expression of love and affection for the child should be moderate. Pampering a child might be harmful for it in a long run. Wherever a child is unable to perform a task, the parents should assist it. But when the child is capable of doing a thing by itself, the parents 

p: 90 

should leave it alone to accomplish it. Sometimes, a child might try to get attention of others by crying despite having the capability of performing its own task. In such an event, it should be ignored. 

Russell writes: 

“If the child cries for no reason, then it should be left to its own scruples and allowed to cry as much as it could. If any other attitude is adopted in such circumstances, the child might become dictatorial and misbehave more often. Whenever a child cries for a genuine need, the attention given should not go to the extent of pampering it. " [1]

---------------

[1]: Bihar al-anwar, v104, p. 104 

[1]: Dar tarbiat, p. 79

Chapter 31: When the Child Starts to See the World around Him 

The child is a man in miniature and its nature too will be social. It needs the help and support of others to live. It will have its attention focused on others; it derives benefit from them and provides benefits to them in return. But for a few months the newborn does not recognize others and is not capable of giving them any attention. 

By the time it is four months old the rudiments of social nature start showing in his acts. From this time it gives attention to the surroundings and starts observing the action of its mother. It starts reacting to the acts of the mother. If the mother smiles, it smiles back. If the mother moves her eyebrows, it does the same in return. It looks at the toys with interest and smiles. It starts gauging others feelings of happiness and anger. It is taken aback at 

p: 91 

the slightest expression of anger. 

When the child is confronted with happy and bright faces it jumps towards them. It wants to sit up and look at the world around it. 

At this stage the parents should take care with realization that the child has developed a sense of the surroundings and is a full-fledged member of the family. The child is able to give attention to the others in the family and is, to an extent, able to understand their feelings. In the four months of its life the child has gone through experiences and experiments and has acquired memory for things around him. 

This is the dawn of the future social being in him. If the parents are thoughtful in trying to nurture this instinct in the child, he can be helped to develop into a useful member of the society. Otherwise, the child starts becoming oblivious of the outside world and becomes restricted to the valley of its own inner world. He can turn into an introvert and becomes a recluse. He will become a victim of inferiority complex. 

The parents therefore carry an onerous responsibility. They should be aware that the child has feelings and takes effect of their behavior. They must keep their attention focused on him. They should come to the presence of the child with a smiling and pleasant face. They should talk with the child affectionately. They should provide to the child educational toys so that it gets acquainted with the outside world with 

p: 92 

ease and comfort. 

If the felt needs and desires of the child are fulfilled, it will feel comfortable. It starts feeling that others wish him well and are his benefactors. When he receives good treatment, the child gets ready to be a good member of the society. Good and thoughtful parents don’t beat the children nor do they treat them harshly. They are aware that such attitude will have adverse effect on the mind of the child and render him a defeatist and timid person. 

The Prophet of Islam has said: 

“Respect your children and give them a good upbringing that Allah blesses you. " [1]

---------------

[1]: Makarim al-akhlaq, p. 255

Chapter 32: Affection 

Man is ever thirsty for love and affection. Love gives life. to hearts. One, who loves oneself wishes that others too should have similar feelings for him, feels happy in his heart. When a person feels that none in this world loves him: feels forlorn and hapless. He will therefore be always sad and melancholy. The child too is a man in miniature and, in fact, needs more love and affection than the adults. As the child needs nutrition, so does he need love and affection? 

The child does not care if he is living in a palace or a shack. But he knows it pretty well whether he is getting the love and affection of his companions or not. From the feeling of love and care the child proceeds on the path of growth and well being. The fountainhead of good character is love and affection. Under 

p: 93 

the reflection of love the feelings and thoughts of a child can be nurtured properly to make him a good human being. 

The child who receives profuse love will have a happy spirit and heart. He will not be a victim of disappointment. He will turn into a person who is confident, good-natured and self-respecting. He will not become a victim of psychological problems. The children who have received the love and affection of the elders are better prepared to face the harsh realities and problems of the adult life. 

A girl who has received the love and affection of her parents, and her household, is endowed with the aura of affection, will not succumb to the overtures of a boy in her youth that might affect her future life. A boy who had his upbringing in the atmosphere of true love and affection will not become victim of evils like drugs and drinking. 

From the psychological point of view too it is proven that the children who have received profound love and affection of their parents during their growing years are more intelligent and healthy than those who grow in dormitories away from their parents. It is another thing that children from boarding schools may have better nutrition and health care. 

But those who have their upbringing in a mechanical atmosphere devoid of feelings of love and affection, and have not experienced close comfort of the company of the Parents, may not have the natural feelings of affection towards others. 

A child who has 

p: 94 

not fully shared the love and affection of his parents will be a victim of the feeling of deprivation and inferiority. Mostly the cause of anger, shamelessness, short temper, depression etc is the lack of the parents love and affection during the childhood of the person. 

The persons who turn to evils like theft and murder in most cases were devoid of parental love and affection in their early lives. They behave like the rebels of the society. They may even have suicidal tendencies. The newspapers and magazines are replete with stories of such unfortunate persons. 

Dr Hasan Ahdi, chief of the Division of Psychiatry, of The National Society for Care of Children (Anjuman Melli Himayat Bachhagan) , has conducted an experiment on five hundred convicts and concluded that the persons committed the first crime at the ages between 12 and 13. The main cause of the delinquency has been lack of love and affection from their families. 

He says: 

“The rudiments of most of the psychological problems can be traced to the childhood. Even the most balanced child has the problem of allaying his emotions. " [1] 

A young person writes: 

“I opened my eyes in a poor family in a small village. The upkeep of my two sisters and me was beyond the means of my parents. My grand mother took me to her home. Her circumstances were better. She loved me very much. She used to buy good dresses and other things for me. 

But these comforts were no substitute for the love and 

p: 95 

affection of my mother and father that I wanted. I used to feel as if I had lost something. Many a time I used to cry inconsolably hiding from others view. I was a student of the Third Standard then. Once my father came to meet me. He asked me to come home. I was overjoyed at the prospect and immediately got ready to go. 

I felt as if my troubles of years have come to an end in a moment. I advise all fathers and mothers not to deprive their children of their presence, love and affection by sending them away howsoever straitened the circumstances. They must realize that living away from the parents and being deprived of their personal love and affection will be very hard on the children. This void cannot be filled by any amount of comforts. " 

He writes in another letter: 

“I was deprived of the love and affection of my parents. That is the reason I am now a heart broken jealous person. I am a cowardly and angry person. In childhood I used to run away from my school. With difficulty I could reach till the Sixth Standard at the school and then dropped out. " 

The Holy Faith of Islam, which provides great care to the process of upbringing of children, makes particular stress to love and affection for the children. The Qur’an and Hadith has volumes on the subject. Here, a few examples are sited: 

Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq has said: 

“Because of the profound love that the 

p: 96 

parents have for their children, Allah will include them in His Blessings. (Grace) " [1] 

Allah has said to the Prophet Moses (in a hadith al-qudsia): “Loving children is the best of acts because the purpose of their creation is for worship of Allah and witnessing the Unity of Allah. If the children die in their childhood, they would enter the Heaven. (Mustadrak al-wasail,v2, p. 615) 

The Prophet of Islam said: 

“Love children and be kind to them. " [2] 

“Kiss your children profusely, because every time you kiss the child, Allah will advance your position in the Heaven by one stage. " [3] 

One person told to the Prophet: 

“I have not kissed any child till today. " 

When that person left the company of the Prophet, he told to his companions, 

“In my view the person is destined for the Hell. ” [4] 

“A person who is not kind to children and not respectful to elders is not from amongst us. " [5] 

‘Ali, while making his will and last testament said: 

"Be kind to children and respectful to your elders. " [6]

---------------

[1]: Daily Kihan, Issue 42 

[1]: Wasail al-shia, v15, p. 98 

[2]: Bihar al-anwar, v104, p. 92 

[3]: Bihar al-anwar, v104, p. 92 

[4]: Bihar al-anwar, v104, p. 99 

[5]: Bihar al-anwar, v75, p. 147 

[6]: Bihar al-anwar, v75, p. 146

Chapter 33: The Expression of Love and Affection 

Love for one’s own children is a natural instinct. Perhaps there will be few parents who don’t love their children from the depths of their hearts. But only loving the child from the heart is not sufficient for the betterment of the child. The child needs love that is reflected in the actions of the parents. 

The child wants to be kissed, hugged and to be looked at with caring smiles. When the parents sing the lullabies, the child savors their sweetness. The 

p: 97 

child desires that the parents play with and gambol with him. The child treats this as a sign of love. It considers the anger and conflicts as signs of thoughtlessness. Whenever the parents look at the child at different times, it visualizes at that moment if there is a look of love on their faces or not. 

There are also parents who shower their love on the child till it is a baby. But as it grows up, they gradually reduce the expression of love and when the child reaches adolescence and adulthood they totally forsake him and even say that any more expressions of love might spoil him. But this is not the right attitude. 

The child expects the love of his parents throughout his life. He feels joy over the expression of love by the parents and if he finds them ignoring him, he has a feeling of hurt. Particularly the adolescence is a very critical period in the life of a person when support and guidance of the parents is required the most. It is this neglect of the adolescent-adults by their parents that there are many cases of suicide in this age group. There are also cases of such persons fleeing to some unspecified place. It won’t be out of place here to quote some entries from the diary of Nazneen, a teenager: 

“When I think of my mom and dad I cannot but laugh. Although they deserve more to be sadly pitied than laughed at Mom is 

p: 98 

busy in her own world, occupied with her daily chores. She wants to sit gossiping for hours at end with Aunt Vizri Jaan and Lady Hamida. If some of us sisters and brothers arrive in the midst of these conversations for some errand, she abhors the interruption. She doesn’t realize that while gossiping about the idiosyncrasy of others’ footwear and attire she makes me feel like a bird who is fluttering around to pour its heart’s feeling to someone. 

Mom and Dad are either busy arguing with one another or sitting with friends for society gossip. Or otherwise, they are away from home. I am also busy at the school from morning to evening on all working days. It is since many days that I have set eyes on Dad. My teacher of Literature is a psychologist. 

Today he talked on the effect that a father can have on the psyche of his daughter. His talk went straight to my heart. He was right in saying that I am a grown up in the eyes of everyone. But I feel the need of the guidance of my dad more than at any other time in my life. There is need for the moral strength of someone wise and kind. But he, my Dad, seems to have no time for this. " [1] 

The best place for the training of a child, particularly in the early stages of life, is the home. In this period the child receives total attention, kindness and love of 

p: 99 

the parents. The parents are advised that as far as possible they don’t entrust their small children to the care of crèches. 

Perhaps, these crèches may be better equipped for hygiene and nutrition but they provide a cold and strange environment to the child. The place will be like a goal for the child who wants the company of the parents more than anything else. Only good environs and nutrition cannot fill the void created by the absence of the love and care of the parents. 

The Prophet of Islam has observed: 

“If you like someone, express your feelings to him. This expression of love brings you closer to each other. " [1] 

The Prophet used to play with his children and grand children every morning expressing his love and affection for them. [2]

---------------

[1]: Daily Itallaat, Issue 14112, Khurdad Month 1358 

[1]: Mustadrak al-wasail,v 2, p. 67 

[2]: Mustadrak al-wasail,v 104, p. 99

Chapter 34: Love, Not an Instrument of Convenience 

Because the child needs the love and affection of the parents, some parents make use of this urge of the children for their own ends. They ask the child to do a certain thing that the mom would love him and ask him not to do certain things or otherwise mom would not love him. No doubt, a certain degree of control can be exercised on the child’s action in this manner. But continuing with this strategy for long can be detrimental. 

The child will get into the habit of doing things only to please the parents and not for any benefit for him and the society at large. He starts deciding the reason for doing any work with the sole 

p: 100 

purpose of pleasing someone. He doesn’t get the realization that his actions have to be tuned to the welfare of the society and the humanity in general. 

There are lots of parents who value personal benefit more than the good of the society. Their children become flunkies, flatterers, hypocrites and impostors because their purpose in life becomes pleasing others at any cost. Therefore, a clever and thoughtful mentor wouldn’t use the love and affection of the child for selfish ends.

Chapter 35: Love Should not become a Hindrance to Good Upbringing 

There are parents who will love their children to such an extent that they don’t realize what is good and what is bad for their upbringing. When they notice any fault in the child, or when someone else points out the fault, they overlook it not to displease the child. You must have seen such children who hurt other children, trouble other persons, break windowpanes in the neighborhood and use abusive language with others. The parents of such children not only ignore to correct them, but they also keep a phlegmatic smile on their faces as if the child has done nothing wrong. 

Thus they abet the undesirable acts of the children. They do a great disservice to their own children. This neglect of proper upbringing is not pardonable in the eyes of Allah. Love for the children doesn’t mean that the parents close their eyes to the norms of good upbringing. 

Good parents are those who make a clever mix of love and good upbringing. They love the children and 

p: 101 

keep a realistic eye on the behavior of the child. They cleverly try to correct the faults of the child. They make the child realize that he is not free to do wrong acts. He is made aware of the fact that if the parents love him for the good things he does; he may be punished for anything wrong committed by him. 

The parents have to realize that the child will grow into an adult and will have to interact with others in the society. If, because of their extreme love for the child, they have neglected their duty of training him in the norms of good behavior, he will not be welcome in the society and others will avoid him or even hate and abhor him. It must be borne in minds that other people will not be like the parents who close their eyes to every fault of the child and continue loving him. In the society a person is accepted for his good behavior only. 

Imam Muhammad Baqir says: 

“The worst father is that who loves his child beyond limits. " [1] 

‘Ali, The Commander of the Faithful, says: 

“One who has been taught good manners, his faults have been reduced. " [2] 

Imam Muhammad al Baqir said: 

“My revered father saw a person going with his son. The impolite son was reclining on the arm of his father. My father, Imam Zain al Abidin, was so upset with the impertinent child that for the rest of his life he didn’t talk to him. " 

p: 102

---------------

[1]: Yaqubi, Tarikh, v2, p. 320 

[2]: Ghirar al-hukm, v2, p. 645

Chapter 36: The Spoilt Child 

This is a reality that every child wants love and affection; but excess of love borders on pampering. Love is like food and in optimum measure it is very beneficial but excess of it will be harmful in many ways. Excessive pampering and mollycoddling will adversely affect the upbringing of the child. The child is not a plaything for the parents and nor should it be treated as a source of recreation by them. The child , in fact, is a precursor of the man of the future. It has to be brought up carefully and methodically. The responsibility for the upbringing, training and education of the child rests with the parents. 

The child grows into an adult and has to be a part of the society. It will have to face the ups and downs of life, successes, failures, rise, fall, happiness and sorrow as it goes along in its life span. A good mentor will have all these factors in mind and prepare the novice to capably confront all the tests and hurdles which might confront him. The parents should be aware of the fact that love and affection is essential for good breeding of the child but excess of these can also come in the way of the desired results. The children who get excess of love and affection are likely to be spoilt with very harmful consequences. 

When a child realizes that the parents love it very much, always allow him to have his own way, then 

p: 103 

naturally his demands will increase by leaps and bounds. He gets into the habit of ordering and expecting tacit compliance from the parents who are not willing to displease him. In such children the tendency of despotism keeps increasing with passage of time. When such persons enter the ranks of the society they expect the same compliance from their fellow citizens, as they did with the parents and other members of the family. But people don’t like self-seeking persons nor do they take cognizance of their wishes. 

This attitude of the people dampens the spirit of the selfish persons and they become the victims of the feeling of defeat and ennui. They develop a strong feeling of inferiority complex and tend to become recluses. In acute cases they think of committing suicide to escape from the psychological pressures that go beyond their ken. 

The marital lives of such persons too are generally on the rocks. Such persons expect too much love from their spouses and expect them to comply with all their wishes, howsoever unreasonable they might be. But in practical lives, there is always the need of give-and-take and seldom there are any spouses who submit to one way traffic in their lives. 

There are innumerable wives who take cudgels against unreasonable attitudes adopted by their husbands. The result is domestic unrest. Similarly a pampered daughter, when married, expects greater love from her husband than he has for his parents. She expects him to meet all her demands without giving a 

p: 104 

thought to their reasonableness. 

Generally men do not like complying with all the wishes of such nagging wives. The result, naturally, is constant bickering in the family. Such men and women are also seen who continue the childish habit of quarrelling in their advanced ages. Such persons are so immature that they continue to behave like small children in their adult days. 

The children getting their upbringing with over-indulgent, pampering parents are generally of delicate constitution and frail physique. They generally look for the support of others and are not independent. Whenever they face any hardship, they look for avenues of escape. They lack courage of taking up big and difficult tasks. If faced with difficulties, they look for succour from others than depending on their own selves and on Allah. 

The persons who have received over-indulgent upbringing are generally egotistic and self-centered. Having received superficial praises in their early days, they assume false airs of importance during their adult life. They are not able to discern their own failings and, to the contrary, think that these very lacunae are their merits. They work under a false sense of pride, which in itself is a grave psychological ailment. 

‘Ali has said: 

“Self-conceit (egotism) is the worst thing. " [1] 

“A person who is an egoist and is living within himself, will become aware of his own flaws and failings. " [2] 

Such a person expects others to heap on him their false praises. He will therefore have sycophants and flatterers around him. But the forthright and true persons 

p: 105 

will not have any place in his company. The egoists, instead of winning devotion of others, generally invite their ire. 

Imam ‘Ali has said: 

“Whoever is an egoist and self-centered will be confronted with lot of difficulties. " [1] 

The children who receive excessive love and care and their parents are overindulgent towards them, they will in stages dominate the parents. When they grow into adults, they persist with the dominating trait and their expectations surpass the means of the parents. 

If the parents express their inability to meet their demands, they have recourse to lots of hullabaloo to get their way. Because such children are aware of the overindulgence of the parents, they always have recourse to lies to get what they wish to have. 

Parents at times come to such a pass that out of their love they overlook the need for good upbringing and indulge the child’s whims and fancies. They close their eyes to the failings of the child and neglect the need for reforming him. To humor the child, the parents sometimes overlook the norms fixed by the religion (shariah) 

Imam Muhammad Baqir says: 

“The worst father is one who exceeds unreasonably in the love for his child. " [2] 

The child should always live in optimism and fear (of God). He should have the feeling that truly he is the beloved of the parents and they would come to his rescue in times of need. He should also be made aware of the fact that for any fault of his the parents would 

p: 106 

hold him accountable. 

Dr. Jalali writes: 

“If a child lives in an environment where he is pampered, always others take sides with him, close their eyes to his wrong deeds and he is not groomed for the harsh realities of the future; he will then be subject to many hardships as a member of the society. From his very birth the child has to be trained that he has to exist with others in the society and his wishes have to be in harmony with the wishes of others in the society. " [1] 

Dr Jalali also writes: 

“Love for the child is essential. But the feeling in a child that the parents spend all their time humoring him is not right. " [2] 

If the child cries unnecessarily and expresses anger to win the attention of the parents to fulfill his unfair demands, then the parents should firmly and tactfully deny compliance. They should leave him alone for a while for him to realize that he cannot always get his way. If the parents exercise some patience in such situations, the child will become quiet after some protestation. 

If a child falls on the ground, it is not necessary to pick him up or console him. Let the child rise himself when he falls down. Train him to take care that he does not fall again. When a child hits his head against a wall by accident, it is not necessary to kiss him or over-indulge him. Instead, he should be trained to take care of himself against 

p: 107 

such happenings again. 

When a child is indisposed, medical treatment should be arranged for him. Proper attention should be given to the child’s illness, but daily chores should be attended to as usual. The parents should have their rest, sleep and food as normally as possible by not spending all their time near the bed cuddling the sick child. This behavior over indulgence doesn’t help in any way, but it can aggravate the child’s habit of craving for the attention of the parents. 

A lady writes: 

“After the first two daughters my parents had their first son. I cannot forget the celebratory mood of my mother at that time. My parents pampered my sibling so much that at the age of two years he used to beat us sisters. He used to bite us and we had no courage to defend ourselves. Whatever he desired was made available to him without any fuss. He used to be naughty with other children. 

For going to school he was shown lot of indulgence. But he used to avoid doing any schoolwork. He never paid the slightest heed to his teachers. He never progressed and ultimately dropped out of school. Now that he is a grown up adult, he is an uneducated and lonely person. He takes no interest in any work and has become very excitable. He has no love for his sisters. 

Our dear brother has become a victim of the faulty upbringing and excessive indulgence of our parents! "

---------------

[1]: Ghirar al-hukm, p. 446 

[2]: Ghirar al-hukm, p. 685 

[1]: Ghirar al-hukm, p. 659 

[2]: Ghirar al-hukm, p. 659 

[1]: Ruwan shinashi kudak, p. 354 

[2]: Ruwan shinashi kudak, p. 461

Chapter 37: Sucking of Thumbs 

It is the common habit 

p: 108 

of small children that they suck their thumbs. Generally at three months age the babies commence thumb sucking and keep doing it for some time. The natural cause of this habit can be the breast-feeding of the baby. When it is hungry it either suckles the breast of the mother or the rubber-soothers. 

The child feels that sucking gives it comfort and over a time learns that it can suck its thumb when the mother’s breast is not available to it. This is a part of the learning process of the child. It detects the usefulness of sucking its thumb and gets used to the habit. 

This habit comes handy to the child when it is hungry and the feed is not available to it; also it can allude to thumb sucking if it has any feeling of discomfort. Many parents think that thumb sucking is not a good habit and devise ways of stopping the child from doing it. Here it must be mentioned that orthodontists consider thumb sucking adversely affects the natural configuration of teeth and the mouth, many dentists and doctors have felt that thumb sucking in children is not so harmful. 

One expert says: 

“Many psychologists and pediatricians opine that thumb sucking habit in children is not harmful in any way and in most instances it doesn’t become the cause of any defect in the mouths. They also observe that this habit tapers off automatically once the child has set its milk teeth. " [1] 

But, nevertheless it is possible that 

p: 109 

this habit might cause some health problems because generally the child’s fingers are exposed to the atmosphere and might carry some infectious material into the mouth. Most parents therefore don’t want their child to get into the habit of thumb sucking. 

Apparently this habit of thumb sucking is not a serious problem and if a child gets used to it, the habit will leave him as he grows up. But if the parents want, they can take steps to see that the child does not get into the habit at the initial stages. Preventing a child from the habit of thumb sucking is far easier than stopping it after it has got habituated. 

When the parents initially notice the tendency of thumb sucking in the child, they should try to find the reason, give it more milk if its hunger is not satiated, and if it gets hungry between the feeding schedule give it some fruit juice or biscuit. But if the reason for thumb sucking is some discomfort, it must be properly investigated and remedy found. If the child gets into the habit of thumb sucking despite all the preventive steps, then it will be difficult to check the habit. 

Another method of checking this habit in children is to provide them with good and soft toys with a view to divert their mind from thumb sucking. If the child is provided company of some other child to play with, it might not suck the thumb during the time they are at 

p: 110 

play. The other alternative tool for avoiding thumb sucking is to give the child a rubber-soother to suck. But here too there will be a chance of the child getting habituated to the tool for a period of time. 

However, the parents have to practice patience and restraint in checking this habit in children and they should not have recourse to punishing the child to the detriment of its psyche. The parents should bear in mind that however strong the habit of thumb sucking in a child, it will leave him by about four or five years of age.

---------------

[1]: Ruwan shinashi kudak, p. 172

Chapter 38: Fear 

point 

Fear is a universal phenomenon. Every living creature has the instinct of fear to a lesser or greater extent. In abstract terms fear is essential for the safety of human beings. A person who doesn’t have the instinct of fear is not a psychologically normal person. This is the fear which makes man run away from dangerous calamities and save himself from death. Therefore, fear is a blessing that God has infused in the nature of human beings. But this blessing is useful only when man utilises it judiciously. Otherwise it will bring about harmful results. Fear manifests itself in two main forms: 

First: Imaginary, misplaced and inane fears. 

Second: Meaningful, reasonable and legitimate fears. 

Inane Fears 

The first category of inane fear can be the fear of devils, evil spirits; fear of the darkness, fear of harmless animals like cats, rats, frogs, camels, horses. Fear of thieves and burglars, fear of cadavers, the coffins; fear 

p: 111 

of the doctor and the shots he injects, fear of the lightning and fear of sleeping alone; fear of the examinations; fear of disease and death. There are a lot of such baseless fears that can become the bane of a person if he is not able to overcome them. 

He is always obsessed with the fears and wakes up sometimes from sleep shouting and yelling as a result of seeing disturbing and horrendous dreams. Unnecessary fear and tension is a psychic illness that can have very harmful effects on the child’s future life. A timid person will lack courage and while taking any major decisions he will be subject to great pressure. He will avoid meeting people and will always be worried and crestfallen. He will run away from congregations and will prefer a lonely existence. Several psychic illnesses spring from such inane fears in a person. 

‘Ali, The Commander of the Faithful, says: 

“Fear is calamitous. " [1] 

Therefore a good mentor will makes efforts to see that the child remains free of unfounded fears. We have some suggestions here for the consideration of the mentors: 

1. Preventing fears is far better than curing them. Try to ensure that the child is not exposed to situations of unfounded fears that it turns timid. Psychologists observe that the sound of a running locomotive, lightning, thunders, sound of alarms and noises near the head of a baby can be the initial causes of fear in a child. As far as possible protect the child from such 

p: 112 

exposures. 

2. Fear is infectious. The child by nature is not timid. But if the parents and others in his environment are timid, then the child gets into this habit. If you wish that your child had no fears, then seek a cure for your own fears. Don’t express fear over unfounded causes of fear. 

3. Watching films on the subject of crime and punishment, watching and listening to horror stories on the television and radio, reading and hearing mystery stories and even reading accounts of fearsome events in the papers and journals can be harmful for the children. As far as possible keep the impressionable children away from such things. Never talk about the Jinns and fairies to the children. If they have heard from some quarters about these, convince them that the existence of the Jinns is confirmed by the Qur’an but they also lead lives like the human beings and don’t do us any harm. 

4. Abstain from intimidating the child for his training. Don’t frighten him with mention of the devil and evil spirits. These methods might be effective momentarily but they can render the child timid. As a punishment for misdemeanor the child should never be confined to a lonely dark corner. Some thoughtless mothers produce the sound of a cat or a dog from behind a wall to quieten their crying children. They don’t know the harm such things might cause to the impressionable mind of the little child. 

A person writes in his diary: 

“Our grandma was in 

p: 113 

the habit of going to another room in the house and shouting in a changed tone,’ I am the devil have come to your house to eat you! ”We used to fall quiet with fear and in the belief that it was really the devil. Over a period of time such acts rendered me a timid person. This is the reason that I cannot stir alone out of my house. I am now a timid and nervous adult" 

One woman writes: 

“I was around five years then. I was playing one day in the courtyard with my cousin. Suddenly we noticed a horrible apparition. It had a big head, shining eyes, big long teeth, long and lose black dress and big black shoes in its feet. It was in the middle of the courtyard. Making weird sounds it wanted to gobble us. We yelled and ran into the dark attic. I clawed the wall with such intensity that my fingers were bruised. I fell unconscious with fear. 

I had to be rushed to the doctor to revive me. For a long time I used to hide myself in corners with fear and the slightest commotion would upset my nerves. Even now I have shattered nerves and am unable to concentrate on any activity. Later on I learnt that the apparition was a practical joke of another of my cousins. She put a painted earthen pot over her head to frighten us out of our wits. She has become the cause of my nervous 

p: 114 

condition. " 

5. If your child is timid because of your carelessness or other causes, then don’t neglect his condition any further. Try to rectify the situation as soon as possible. If the child realizes that his fears are unfounded, he will become normal by himself. But shouting at the child and ridiculing him and putting him to shame in front of others is no solution for the problem. 

Such acts on the one hand do not remove the child’s fears and on the other hand make him morose and despondent. He doesn’t want to remain timid. Your carelessness and other causes have made him timid. Try to find the causes of his fears with patience and thoughtfulness. Then search for remedies. 

If the child is afraid of imaginary devils and evil spirits, convince him that there are no such things. Tell him that the Jinns have nothing to do with the humans. If the child fears the harmless animals, demonstrate to him practically that the animals are harmless. If the child is scared of darkness, acquaint him with places with reduced lighting. When you are yourself with the child, momentarily put off the light. Then progressively increase the period of darkness. When you are in the same room with the child at some distance, repeat the experiment of putting off and switching on the lights. Repeat these trials with patience till the fear of darkness is removed from the mind of the child. 

Remember No harsh methods should be employed to correct the fear 

p: 115 

complex of the child. Forcing a child to face the things he fears will have negative results. If the child is afraid of going to the doctor and taking vaccinations then convince him with love and affection about the need for the treatment. Sometimes the situation demands that the child has to be admitted to a pediatric hospital. It will be a difficult time that the child does not like to be away from the parents. If the child is forced to admit in the hospital against his wish, it can be very difficult on him Sometimes it is useful to acquaint the child with the environment of a hospital. 

When the parents go visiting a patient in a hospital, they should take the child there for a short visit that he gets acquainted with the environment. Meeting the kind doctors and nurses in the hospital will remove the fear from the child’s mind and in the event of his needing hospitalization he would agree to comply without much fuss. 

Before taking the child to the hospital the parents should convince him that his health needs the attention of the kind doctors and nurses and he must go to the hospital to get well soon and return. Tell him that they would visit him at the hospital along with other members of the family. Never tell a falsehood to the child. When you have to leave him in the hospital bed, don’t tell him that he should sleep and you will remain 

p: 116 

seated there. Don’t give him a false hope that he would not be given the medicines. Convince him that he is ill and the treatment at the hospital is necessary for his quick recovery.

---------------

[1]: Gharar al hukm, p. 8

Legitimate Fears 

As far as the legitimate fears of a child are concerned, the mentor should adopt a clever, thoughtful attitude towards them. Mention about dangerous situations to the child and discuss their remedies. Inform him about the bad consequences of negligence. Demonstrate to him the correct use of matches, gas and electrical gadgets and the dangers associated with these things. 

Teach him the right way of crossing a busy road and acquaint him with the traffic rules for the pedestrians. Frankly mention to the child the dangers which might confront him in his daily life. Acquaint him with the safety measures and create in him the faith on himself and trust in Allah. He should be prepared to meet the challenges in his daily life, rather than getting scared of the dangers around him. 

Another legitimate fear is the fear of death. But excessive fear of death turns into a psychic ailment. This fear takes away the spiritual calm and composure from a person. And blunts his physical capabilities. It is therefore necessary to take preventive measures against this type of fear. For sometime the child does not understand the meaning of death. It is better the mentor don’t talk about this phenomenon at this stage. But sometimes the child learns about this at the death of someone close to 

p: 117 

him. It is quite possible the child might ask questions about death in such a situation. 

If the child has reached the stage of understanding at that time, then the parents must reveal to him the truth. They must tell him that death is not anything special but it is a transition from the present world to another. In that world he will get reward for his good deeds and retribution for his evil deeds committed in this world. Everyone has to die one day. Allah says in the Holy Qur’an, ‘All people will die’. Death is not important but the actions in this life are important that the Judgment in the other world is made according to the actions of the person in this life. 

Excessive thought of death is not good. It should not enter the realm of a lurking fear. This will be harmful. 

Another positive aspect of fear is the fear of God and the fear of the Day of Judgment. These fears should not be so intense that they result in nervous tensions for the person. These fears encourage a person to do good deeds and stop him from evil acts. Therefore Allah says in the Holy Book: 

“If you are among the faithful, fear not others and fear Me alone. " (Qur’an, 3: 175) 

Also the Qur’an describes the hardships and retributions of the Day of Judgment. Therefore a thoughtful and faithful mentor puts the idea of the rewards and punishments of the Hereafter in the impressionable minds of his 

p: 118 

charges. 

It will be in place to remind that a good mentor should not all the time talk of the Heaven and the Hell and give an impression to the child that God is severe on His creations. But the mentor should acquaint the child more with the benevolence of Almighty Allah.

Chapter 39: Play and Recreation 

As breathing is necessary for the child, so is some exercise and play. At the preliminary and middle levels at the school the predominant activities of the children are sports, games and recreation. As they progress in their curricula, these activities are reduced. 

Despite increasing load of scholastic work, the children have to take out some time for sports. Participating in outdoor games is an important physical activity that is essential for the good health of a child. Those children who don’t take part in some outdoor games are generally not healthy. Islam is conscious of this natural prerequisite and therefore advises to keep the children physically free. 

Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq says: 

“Leave the child free to play till it is seven years old. " [1] 

The Prophet of Islam says: 

“Let them play; the earth is the pasture of the children! " [2] 

Playing is a natural exercise for the child. This will make its limbs strong. The mental capabilities will sharpen and it will grow in strength. At the ground of play the child will be exposed to community living and sharing responsibilities with others. 

The psychologists differ in their assessment of the importance of sports. We need not go into the details of their 

p: 119 

findings. For us it is sufficient that play and physical exercise is an important aspect of the upbringing of a child. 

The mentor therefore should not consider this only as an extra-curricular-activity. to be treated lightly. The child gets acquainted with the outside world while at play. He learns about performing tasks. He practices avoiding risks and also co- operating and co-ordinating with the members of his team. In team games he learns to respect the rights of others and learns about the rules of the games. 

William Astern writes: 

“Games are a source of developing the natural capabilities in the child. They are like an exercise for the future discipline and activities of the person. " [1] 

Alexi Maxim writes: 

“Games provide to the child comprehension of life and a means of exercise to the body. Games help the child acquaint himself with the social norms. Play strengthens the child’s feelings. The child in his play makes a house, builds a factory, takes an expedition to the North Pole, flies in the space and guards the borders of his country. " 

Anton Semonowich Makarno, a famous Russian expert on the subject of child-upbringing, says: 

“If a person is smart in games and play in his childhood, he will reflect the same quality in his life as he grows up. Good play is like doing good work. Every game requires the use of mental and physical capabilities. Observe a child at play and find how he has formulated his strategy to succeed in that event. At play the 

p: 120 

feelings and sentiments of the child will be authentic. The elders should. Be observant of these. " [1] 

William Mc Dougal writes: 

“Before nature manifests in the field of activity, play reflects the bent of the persons mind. " [2] 

Although, at play, the child is not performing any specific work, it is not less than performing a physical and mental work. During play the inclinations of the natural and personal capabilities will manifest themselves. While playing the character of the child takes shape for the bright future. 

The guardians of children can be categorized in several ways: 

There are those who consider playing with toys and games an unnecessary pastime and try their best to dissuade their children from taking part in any such activity. 

There are others who are not against the children playing games and give them total freedom to select the toys and games of their choice to play. 

The third category of guardians is those who don’t attach any importance to game other than keeping the children occupied. They purchase toys and games without any other objective in view than providing some tools to the child to be fully occupied. The child plays with the toys, breaks them and throws them away when it is tired of them. The child also shows off his pretty toys and games to other children. 

The fourth type of guardians are those who not only provide the means of play to the children but they keep a watch on the use of the material given to them. If the children 

p: 121 

come across any difficulty in using the newly acquired toys, they volunteer their assistance to solve the problem. Such guardians curb the problem solving instinct of the children and they get used to depending on the assistance of the elders in all matters. 

Of the four categories of guardians, none completely measures up to the requirement of providing good learning experience to the child through play. 

The best attitude that a guardian could adopt is that first of all he should leave the child free that it plays in tune with its own nature and choice. Secondly he should provide a range of educational toys to the child. He should take care to select such toys and games that sharpen the thinking and creative capabilities of the child. 

Another technical aspect the guardian has to keep in mind while selecting the toys and games is that the child should find interest in constructive activities for self, the family and the society. It is a pity that most of the toys in the market have little educational value. For example, if one buys an electrically operated train or a car, the child will be busy looking at it all the day. But he will not learn anything that could be useful for him in the future. 

The most useful toys are those which come in knocked-down condition and the child has to assemble them through trial and error method. For example, a collection of blocks which can be assembled into a building, incomplete paintings, jig-saw 

p: 122 

puzzles, stitching and embroidery material, carpentry tools etc 

The mentor has to keep a watchful eye on the child at play that he can provide guidance to him at the right time. Watching children at play in itself is a very important aspect of training and upbringing. 

A good teacher will provide the toys and games to the child and leave him alone to independently use them but will keep a subtle eye on the activity that the child is guided when he makes any mistake in the right use of the material. 

For instance, when a toy car or toy train is given to the child, he is asked about the function of these machines. If the child replies that they are for moving men and materials from one place to another, then he is left alone to play with the toy. If the toy develops any defect during the use, leave it to the child to fix it as far as possible. 

The child may be guided in this regard that he develops self-confidence in accomplishing the task. If you buy a doll for your daughter, it should not be in complete form. But you must guide her to prepare dresses for the doll. She will dress the doll, keep it clean, and play-act as if she is giving it a bath, changing the dress and giving it food. The child will sing a lullaby to make the doll sleep and wake it up to take it along. Emulating her elders, 

p: 123 

the child will teach good manners to the doll. 

You will notice that the child puts into practice with the doll what she has heard from the elders. The child does most of the things in emulation of the acts of the parents and the elder siblings. The toys are useful when the child learns useful things of day-to-day life playing with them. The child must be encouraged to play with the toys rather that preserving them in a showcase and showing off to their playmates. There must be a proper place where the child should keep the toys after playing with them. The child must be encouraged to keep the place orderly and clean. 

There should not be too many toys with the child at a time. This can tend to confuse the child and make it difficult to make a choice. The toys need not be expensive and very attractive. 

The games for children can be categorized as: 

Games which a child can play individually. 

Games which two or more children can play together. 

Educational games which give a fillip to mental capability of the children. 

Outdoor games which provide growth to the physique of the children. 

Games which promote in the children the capability of defense and attack. 

Games that promote the spirit of co-operation amongst the children. 

In the beginning a child plays alone. It must be left alone to play, but an eye has to be kept on the child. The parents must make the right choice of the toys for the child. Sometimes the 

p: 124 

child wants to break the toy and assemble it again. The child must be allowed to do these experiments. Only when the child faces a difficulty in these tasks, the elders should intervene. 

After sometime the child starts liking the company of other children. Now he must be introduced to games where more than one child will play. The parents must encourage the child to play with other children. 

At this stage too the parent should take care that the child is exposed to useful team games. The team games generally in vogue are football, volley-ball, basket-ball etc. Generally children play these games during their spare time at school and in their neighborhood. These games help development of the physique of the children, but they are highly competitive and make them temperamentally aggressive. 

Children playing such games always have the thought of defeating their opponents. More aggressive than these games are boxing and wrestling. These games are a reminder of the primitive days of the human race. It is a pity that such games continue to be played. 

Russel writes: 

“Today’s humanity, when compared with earlier epochs, has its biggest adversary in materialism, and therefore begs for more thoughtfulness and mutual co-operation in its ranks. Man doesn’t need antagonism, resistance and hatred because these are things that sometimes overwhelm him and at other times he subdues them. ”. [1] 

It is of some concern that no thought is given to the matter and such games that promote aggressive tendencies in the children are getting continuous patronage 

p: 125 

and encouragement. It would be better if the management of schools and colleges give a serious thought to this matter and consult experts to introduce useful games for children. 

The concluding point in this discussion is that although play is essential for the growth of the children, the timing of the games must be restricted. A capable mentor schedules for play in such a manner that the child automatically reverts to constructive activities immediately thereafter. Such mentors don’t allow the child to excessively involve in play. 

‘Ali, The Commander of the Faithful, says: 

“One addicted to play will not be successful. ”. [1] 

Russel writes about this: 

“It is a sign of the decline of social values when we judge a person on his proficiency at games. We have not understood that to live in the modern and complicated world there is need for thoughtfulness and knowledge. ” [2] 

One drawback of team games is that they might create in the children the feelings of jealousy and conflict. In such situations the mentor must intervene and sort out the dispute to the satisfaction of all concerned. 

Sometimes parents get involved in the conflicts between children. Without going into the causes of the conflict they take sides with their own child and the matter goes out of hands. Such thoughtless attitude gives the child the feeling that he can get away with any misdemeanor on his part.

---------------

[1]: Wasail al-shiah, v 15, p. 193 

[2]: Majma az zawaid, v 8, p. 159 

[1]: Ruwan shinashi kudak, p. 331 

[1]: Ruwan shinashi kudak, p. 130 

[2]: Ruwan shinashi kudak, p. 332 

[1]: Dar Tarbiat, p. 121 

[1]: Gharar al hukm, p. 854 

[2]: Dar Tarbiat, p. 142

Chapter 40: Conceit or Pride 

Conceit and boastfulness is present in every individual to a lesser or greater extent. Every person will have a desire to project 

p: 126 

himself by performing some feat or other. He intends to attract the attention of others around him through these actions. In a child these tendencies start manifesting themselves when it is about a year old. 

The child wants to move around and attract the attention of others through its antics. It will repeat acts that make the parents and others happy. It will be pleased at the reaction of the parents and feels a subtle pride at its success in making them happy. The child sometimes indicates its satisfaction through gestures as if to assert its importance. 

Pride in itself is not a negative trait. In fact, this feeling spurs an individual to strive for greater achievement with a competitive spirit. The child works hard to get a higher grade in his class. He tries to develop skills at elocution or become a skilled painter. It is this desire in the child to compete that proves the harbinger of the great poets, artists, authors and scientists of the future. 

The presence of this trait of pride in children need not be a cause for worry. But the important thing is that it must be gainfully exploited to the advantage of the child. If it is guided in the right direction there can be salutary results. In the initial stages the child cannot distinguish between good and bad. It observes the reactions of the parents to decide at its actions and to arrive at a conclusion. A careful mentor will encourage the child’s 

p: 127 

desirable actions by expressing happiness at them. The mentor can encourage good manners in a child by indicating his displeasure at its undesirable actions. 

Some thoughtless parents, out of their love for the child, shower excessive adulation and praise without giving a thought as to whether the actions of the child are desirable or not. They thus lay the foundations of bad manners in the child inadvertently. In their adulation for the child they exaggerate its good qualities and keep praising the child at the drop of a hat. 

There is every probability of such a child becoming conceited and progressively he becomes egotistic and arrogant. He will start expecting others’ adulation as he does from his parents. When the child fails in getting the desired response, he becomes distraught. He develops rancor towards people and might even go to the extent of thinking of causing harm to them at a later stage. 

The parents should bear in mind that they have to groom the thinking of the child to guide him on the path of righteousness. Then will come the stage that the parents divert the child’s mind towards God. Now on, if any of the child’s action is found incorrect, instead of saying that dad doesn’t approve of it, they should tell him that God will not approve of it.

Chapter 41: Taqlid or Emulation 

The instinct to emulate is the strongest characteristic of human nature. This too is a very useful and valuable trait. This helps the child to progress with its learning 

p: 128 

process like eating, dressing, speaking and other societal happenings in the environment. 

The human being is a natural mimic and keeps doing it throughout his life but children till the age of around five years do this more. For a long time the faculties of the child are not so developed that it is not able to decide the course of action by itself. In this period it emulates what the parents and others do in front of him. 

The child hears the word "water” from its parents and tries to repeat it himself. Then it gives attention to the meaning of the word and uses the word at appropriate time. A girl observes her mother cleaning the room and washing the clothes. She too tries to do the same chores. She sees that the mother exercises care while handling fire, she sees that the mother washes the fruits prior to peeling and eating them. 

The child too emulates these habits. She observes that the parents and her elder siblings are arranging things properly in the house. She too tries to copy them in these activities. She notices that her parents are polite in their talk with others, she too cultivates good manners. She finds that the parents and her siblings are aiding each other in doing household work. She too tries to give a helping hand. 

When she sees that the parents cross the roads carefully at pedestrian-zebra-crossing, she too learns to do this. When the son sees his father gardening 

p: 129 

in the backyard or does some repair work at the house, he too tries to learn the tasks. In the beginning he tries to do these things in play but with the passage of time he becomes proficient. Some of them become so adept that they take the activity as a profession. 

The upbringing and training of the child is better achieved by setting an example for him rather than through precept. Emulation of the actions of the elders is an automatic phenomenon in the children and they needn’t necessarily be told to perform these actions. If a parent is boorish, impolite and impertinent the child will follow in his footsteps. When a mother is nagging, shrewish and insensible then there is every likelihood of the child going after her. 

A mentor who is a liar, cowardly and dishonest person cannot expect to make his subject a truthful, bold and honest individual. The children don’t pay much heed to the lecturing of the elders. They rather prefer to emulate their actions. It is therefore imperative to promote the habit of emulation in the children. Care has to be exercised to see that the elders perform such actions in the company of children that they grow into ideal individuals. For the love of their children the parents must reform their own habits to provide an ideal image for them. The parents should always bear in their mind that it is very difficult to stop the children from emulating their own habits, good or 

p: 130 

bad. 

The Commander of the Faithful, ‘Ali, says: 

“If you wish to reform others then reform yourself first. It is a major failing that you stand up to correct others while you yourselves are having aberrations which need reform. " [1] 

The Holy Prophet told to Abu Dharr: 

“Allah will give noble and virtuous children and grand children to pious parents. " [2] 

A responsible mentor will not remain indifferent to the type of friends the child has. The children have very impressionable minds and they tend to readily emulate the habits of their friends. It is therefore very important to take care of the type of company the children keep. 

Sometimes when the children witness acts of violence on the cinema or television screen they may develop a tendency for perpetrating such acts. You must be reading about such acts of delinquency by children in the newspapers and the motivation for these acts mostly is the scenes of murder and mayhem presented on cinema and television. In such circumstances is it proper to expose the children to these media without any control?

---------------

[1]: Ghara al-hukm, p. 278 

[2]: Makarim al akhlaq, p. 546

Chapter 42: Search for Truth 

When a new-born arrives it is not aware of the world around him. He cannot distinguish one thing from another. He will not be able to identify faces, colors and persons. It will be able to take impression from the faces and the sounds around him, but he will not be able to comprehend and identify one from another. 

But, from this point only he will start developing the faculty of identifying persons and 

p: 131 

things. He will searchingly look from side to side and will give the expression of pleasant surprise seeing faces around him. Through the use of his senses and the instinct to learn, the child will continuously acquire knowledge about the surroundings. 

Allah says in the Holy Qur’an: 

"Allah has delivered you from the wombs of your mothers in a condition that you knew nothing. He has given to you ears, eyes and the heart that you identify Allah’s bounties and become grateful. " (Qur’an, 16: 78) 

After some time of birth the child starts to give attention to the world around him. He holds things with his hands, moves them and throws them down. Sometimes he tries to put things in his mouth. He gets attracted in the direction of sounds in his environment. 

He observes the action of the persons around him with his eyes. In this manner the child satiates his instinct to search for the truth. Allah has provided the faculty of search and adventure to human beings that they try to unravel the mysteries of the universe. 

The child has this instinct in him and it starts getting manifested from his very early days. The parents can guide and encourage this instinct in children and they can also curb it with their negative actions. If the parents provide to the child aids that promote the desire to search and give him freedom to find out about them, he can make steady progress in his knowledge. 

This can be the vanguard for the 

p: 132 

scientific research and inventions in the future. But if the parents are oblivious to the inner feelings of the child and curb his desire to find out about things, prevent him from making experiments, then the spirit to search in him will be suppressed. 

The more critical stage in the life of the child is when he starts asking questions about things. The age of two years and above is the age when the child will have lots of questions to ask. The child asks the parents whether he will become a mother or a father? Why dad goes away for a time from the house every day? Why a stone is hard and the water is soft? I don’t like Granny, Why should I go to her house? Why shouldn’t I play in the rain? Why fish don’t die in water? Why do you pray five times a day? What is Namaz/salah (prayer)? 

Where does the Sun go in the nights? From where does the rain and snow come? What are the stars, who made them? What is the use of the fish and the flies? When the grandpa died, why was he buried in the ground? Where has he gone? When will he return? What is death? More or less all the children ask such questions. As they grow they will have different types of questions to ask. Intelligent children will ask more questions and diverse questions. As their knowledge increases, they start asking more intricate questions. The child 

p: 133 

tries to learn about the things around him by asking questions. 

It wishes to benefit from the knowledge and experience of others. The urge to search and explore is the most vital instinct of the human being that enables him to scale heights in all fields of activity. Man has been able to unravel the mysteries of the universe with dauntless effort at research and exploration. The parents who are aware that the instinct in the child to find out about things needs to be promoted to help him make progress in his knowledge for future progress will extend their full support and attention to him during the early years. 

Some parents consider the childish question as unnecessary and a waste of time. They even go to the extent of snubbing the child to stop him from asking such questions. They tell them, “Sonny Don’t ask too many questions. When you grow up you will yourself learn about what you are asking now! ” Such parents silence the most valuable instinct in the child by their unwillingness to entertain the questions. They unwittingly become the cause of slowing down the urge for knowledge in the child. At a later stage they complain that their child is not able to cope with the study of science and other disciplines. 

Some parents, to please the children, do reply to their questions but they never bother to ensure the veracity of the answers. Their only momentary purpose is to quiet the child with some answer. When the 

p: 134 

child learns later on that the parent had given to him a wrong information, he would feel bad about it. It may also make the child suspicious about others. 

Thoughtful and responsible parents appreciate their duty to provide the right answers to the childrens’ questions and encourage their instinct to find out about nature of things around them. They prepare themselves about this task by visualizing the questions the child might ask and explore the possible replies to the queries. 

They never tell anything to the child that is contrary to the truth. If at times they don’t have the right answer to the child’s question, they own their inability and try to find the right answer to be given later on. This way they train the child to be frank when he himself is faced with a similar situation. Some parents go into unnecessary detail while answering a child’s question. This too is not desirable Experience tells that a child doesn’t want to listen to long-winded answers. 

Although it wants a reply to the question, long talks will make it tired. The parents must encourage the habit of debate and discussion in the children as they grow up. Where necessary they must be assisted to experiment. A child is a thinking human being, provide impetus to its thinking process that the latent capabilities are put into use and prepare itself for the future. 

‘Ali, The Commander of the Faithful, says: 

“One who asks questions in his childhood, will be capable of replying to 

p: 135 

questions when he is grown up. ” [1] 

. 

“The child’s heart is like the soft soil. Whatever you put into it will be accepted. " [2] 

A lady writes in her letter thus: 

“One evening Dad came home and narrated a riddle to me. He also said that his friends were unable to solve that riddle. Everyone at home slept but I was determined to unravel the riddle. I thought over it for a long while and ultimately I got the solution. I was so excited that I woke up Dad from his sleep. He expressed his happiness over my effort to solve the riddle. He always encouraged me to sharpen my intellect. He has prepared me well to face the problems of life wisely. ”.

---------------

[1]: Gharar al hukm, p. 645 

[2]: Gharar al hukm, p. 302

Chapter 43: Self Confidence 

The life of a human being is full of struggle, challenges and competition. Every human comes across thousands of challenges and difficulties in the lifetime. To live he will have to fight with the powers of the elements unwillingly and has to overpower them. He has to contend with different ailments and their causes. In practical life he is successful who has a big heart, tall courage and strong will. The good or ill luck of a person depends rather on his own self. The success of all the great persons in the world is because of their own confidence, will power and tireless efforts. 

The great and weighty persons are never cowed down by hardships. They have self-confidence and Faith in Allah that takes them through all the vicissitudes of 

p: 136 

life. They are able to accomplish tasks which seem impossible to others. They are not like a straw in the vast ocean which keeps floating on the surface of the water with the wind. 

But they are like the powerful swimmer who has strong arms and a will and faith in the Almighty Allah that give them the ability to swim against the direction of the wind. These are the persons who are capable of determining the shape of things to come in the world. Islam too says that the temporal and spiritual success of a person depends on his own actions and determination. The Holy Qur’an says: 

“Whatever man has is the result of his own efforts and he will soon see his endeavor (in full form) " (Qur’an, 53: 39-40) 

The Commander of the Faithful, ‘Ali, says: 

“The price of every individual is equal to his courage. " [1] 

A person who has patience and self-confidence will not look to others for the solution of his problems. He in fact jumps into the arena with complete faith in himself and never gives up till he achieves his goal. 

Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq says: 

“The secret of the respect and greatness of a Mu’min (a pious person) is that he does not crave for things in others’ hands. " [2] 

Imam Sajjad says: 

“All the virtues are there in the fact that a person does not sit waiting for assistance from others. " [3] 

But people who lack self-confidence don’t trust on their own capabilities. They consider themselves weak and lowly. They are 

p: 137 

scared of facing the hardships of life. They will shirk from responsibilities. They make easy tasks difficult by negative thoughts and hopelessness. They spend their lives in despondency and dejection. 

Now that the importance of patience and self-confidence is established, it will not be out of place to remind that the basis of these characteristics is inherent in the nature of every human being. But they need to be nurtured and trained. The ideal and most pertinent period of this training is the very childhood of the person. 

The rudiments of patience and assurance get manifested from the childhood of every individual. The characteristics contrary to these, namely: impatience and lack of confidence, dependence on others too start developing because of faulty training by the parents. The parents have to train their children with care that they grow into useful individuals. 

Imam Zain al Abidin says: 

“Train your children in such a way that they bring respect and eminence to you. " [1] 

From the age of four years to the age of eight years is the best period for the shaping of the personality and poise in an individual. In this period the child will be inclined towards patience and forbearance and prepares himself to face the hardships. Although the child will be aware of its weakness and the need for dependence on a superior, it will also have the elements of patience and poise in its nature. It wishes to fulfill its needs. It feels elated at performing new tasks. You must have heard 

p: 138 

the children uttering these words: 

• See, what I am doing? 

• Did you see how I jumped? 

• Look, I can wear my own dress. 

• I shall put on the shoe myself 

• I shall drink water from the tumbler 

• I want to eat the food with my own hands. 

• I don’t want you to pour the tea for me. 

• Look at the beautiful picture I have drawn. 

• I want to climb on the tree. 

The child insists that he would spend the money in his pocket the way he wants. He wants to arrange his toys himself. Sometimes he becomes stubborn with the parents to get his way. Sometimes the child wants to give a helping hand to the parents at the chores. The little daughter tries to wash utensils and clothes with her mother. She wants to cook food and arrange the dining table. 

The little son tries to spruce up the garden. He wants to draw pictures, write letters and go out shopping with the father. He will insist that he would select his own dress and footwear. While walking on the road he shows his preference sometimes to walk ahead of the parents and at others he prefers to trail behind them. He likes to take part in the arrangement of the furniture in the house. He refuses to eat certain type of foods. With such acts the child demonstrates his individuality. To the maximum possible extent the child tries not to be dependent on others. 

The personality of the child 

p: 139 

will be a reflection of the parents’ disposition. The parents should give a degree of independence to the child that he progresses with self-confidence. They should express pleasure and appreciation when the child achieves something new. They should assign to him tasks that are to his liking and within his ken. With guidance and encouragement hone his capabilities. The child will progressively gain in confidence. 

A psychologist writes: 

“A person notices a little fisherman efficiently catching fish. He was getting big catches. The man was surprised. He praised the skill of the young fisherman. The boy thanked him for the praise and said, ’There is nothing surprising in my skill at fishing because I have been doing it ever since I was very small’. The person asked him, ‘ But, what is your age? ’ He replied, ‘ six years! ’ " 

If the parents had not encouraged him and, to the contrary, dissuaded him from starting to do the job from an early age he wouldn't have been able to acquire such good skill. The parents who adore and adulate their children very much, inadvertently make them overly dependent on themselves. They don’t allow the children to do any tasks. They try to do every small thing for the children. They make all the decision for the children themselves. 

A large number of parents don’t give any attention to the need for creating self-confidence in the children. They express unhappiness over the mistakes of the children if they attempt to do some task themselves. They 

p: 140 

don’t like the child innovating and discourage him at every step. 

My dear parents Our children anyway have to grow up They too have to shoulder responsibilities in the future. You have to respond positively to the child’s nature to be independent. The desire for independence is not a fault. This independence is the manifestation of the desire to achieve excellence with one’s own efforts. You must ensure that the child is able to exercise his independence judiciously. You should not insist that you should make decisions for him when he can as well make them himself. You must explain the pros and cons to the child and allow him to make his own decision. 

If the child starts to do something and gives it up half way, don’t put him to shame with thoughtless interference. Leave the matter to him. 

If your daughter wishes to cook the food herself, then give her guidance to do the task. Don’t interfere while she is at the task. What is the harm if she spoils a dish once. Don’t be critical of her skill at cooking. Do you realize the hurt caused to the child’s psyche at such criticisms. 

One lady writes: 

“Whatever I tried to do in my childhood, I received rebukes—you broke the delicate china, you have put excessive salt in the dish, you have used more water than the recipe required. What do you know about sweeping the floor? Don’t talk in the presence of guests… and hundreds of more such rebukes 

While cooking 

p: 141 

I used to taste the dish lest there is excessive salt and water in the preparation. Even then I used to be always at the receiving end. This is the reason I could not develop confidence in my capabilities. I started considering myself weak and insignificant. I am very unhappy with inferiority complex and lack of confidence. I am in-charge of addressing a weekly meeting (majlis). Every time I stir out for the task I go with a disturbed mind… 

I start doubting that I might not be able to handle the function properly. “. My heart will be aflutter. I feel that I might not be able to deliver the talk properly. Many a time I remember a lot of points for the talk that I had also included in some past meetings. Even then I lack confidence. I start wishing that this responsibility was not entrusted to me. Whatever work I do, I start to get the feeling of reluctance. Half way through any work I start wishing that this task was taken away from me. I tried hard to banish this lack of confidence on myself but I have always failed. ” 

Another lady writes: 

“From my childhood mother tried to help me with my work. She never allowed me to do anything alone. In time I got used to the prop and depending on others became a part of my nature. I was not able to use my confidence and capability to tackle problems. I always needed help from 

p: 142 

Mom and others at home. The dependence on others went to the extent that even for a trivial task I needed support of others. I had a feeling that I am incapable of doing anything on my own. " 

It must be mentioned at this stage that some children, to display their individuality accede to wrong actions. For example, they may mutilate the flowers and pull out branches of shrubs, harm birds and dogs and cats. Harm others and pull the hair of the sisters. At such times the parents can’t keep quiet without interfering. But they must bear in their minds that when the child does such things, he doesn’t have rancor or hate towards anyone. He is just trying to assert his individuality. The best way of preventing him from such acts is to tacitly divert his attention to other things. Make him busy with some game or gainful task.

---------------

[1]: Nahj al balagha, v 2, p. 163 

[2]: Usul al-Kafi, v2, p. 148 

[3]: Usul al-Kafi, v2, p. 148 

[1]: Tuhaf al uqul, p. 269

Chapter 44: Independence 

There are plenty of parents who think that restricting or denying any freedom to the children is good upbringing. They think that the children are incapable of distinguishing between good and bad. They don’t have enough wisdom and if they are given some independence, they might go astray. Such parents start thinking for the child and make all the decisions for him. 

They try to keep control over the child’s eating, playing and other activities. They want to model the child’s life according to their own thinking. They believe that the child doesn’t have any right to independence and 

p: 143 

freedom. He should not do anything without the express permission of the parents. 

Whatever the parents decide, the child must do implicitly without a whimper. Whatever the parents decide is wrong, the child must stop doing without any complaint. The children have no say in the plan of upbringing charted by such parents. Earlier, most families used to follow this policy for upbringing their children. They used to bring up the children with a iron hand. Even these days there are families that follow this practice of their forbears. 

Although such has been the practice in the past, and is still followed by some families, it is not a desirable trend. It has many drawbacks and lacunae. There is always a possibility that with such training the children might remain comfortable, quiet and obedient to the parents. But they grow into timid persons devoid of self-confidence. Their inventive and innovative instincts will become dormant. They will not have the courage to take up important and difficult tasks in hand. They are also not capable of becoming leaders. 

But they will be habituated of taking orders and bearing ill treatment stoically. When they grow up, they are not able to overcome this defect easily. They carry a hitch in their psyche that might later on be the cause of several psychological ailments. It is also possible that such persons develop sadistic tendencies and become tyrannical with their children and others. 

Many intellectuals and psychologists have started a campaign against this cruel practice of upbringing and 

p: 144 

are advocating total freedom for the children. They advise the parents to leave the children free to act according to their own desire and liking. They say that the child should be free to do anything that he desires, although it may not be the right thing in your eyes. This way the child will grow with an independent mind. 

The famous psychologist Sigmund Freud believes in this method and has many followers in the East and the West. Lot of parents too followed this method in upbringing their children. They have given total freedom to their children and do not order them around. But this practice too is not totally right. It has several drawbacks. The children brought up this way don’t believe in any restriction for doing what they decide to do. Such children generally will be selfish, excitable and of impudent nature. They think that others don’t have any rights. They usurp others rights and privileges. They unnecessarily trouble their brothers and sisters. Such children tend to become a nuisance to their neighbors and others. 

Because their desires are driven by total independence, they commit excesses towards others. Their expectations reach such a level that they will find it difficult to fulfill them. When such children grow into adults they expect others to obey them without any complaint. They don’t want to be controlled by anyone else. When they notice that they are unable to get their way with others, then they become heart-broken 

After having faced rebuffs in the 

p: 145 

society they become reclusive, or, to take revenge against their defeats they devise stratagems for tyranny and dangerous acts. Unrestricted freedom sometimes becomes hazardous too. Sometimes a child wishes to run dangerously on the road or to touch the live electrical wire. Thus, the two methods of upbringing, one that gives no freedom to the child and the other which recommends total freedom, are both fraught with glaring faults. The best path to follow in the matter of the upbringing of the child is to give him selective freedom. 

Allah has endowed the human beings with different instincts and feelings that go to make the nature of a person. Some of these instincts are love, hate, bravery, fear etc. These are intrinsic feelings and notions endowed by Allah to all human beings for tackling the problems that confront them. These instincts go to make the individual’s personality. In a free environment these instincts keep growing. 

Fear is for escape from dangers. Anger helps in deciding to attack the adversary. Diligence is required for acquiring learning. A person who does not have the instinct of fear and anger in his nature will be an inferior person. It is not right to suppress these instincts in a child. In an atmosphere of freedom a child can make use of these instincts to advantage. 

The Religion of Islam gives particular attention to the need for freedom. A few traditions are quoted here. 

‘Ali said: 

“Don’t become slave to others, Allah has given birth to you as a free 

p: 146 

person. " [1] 

Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq said: 

“A person who has the following five qualities will be a successful person: First: Faith, Second: Wisdom, Third: Morals, Fourth: Freedom, Fifth: Good behavior. " 

The Prophet of Islam said: 

“The child is a ruler till he is seven years old, seven to fourteen years he is a subject and after fourteen years he is the deputy and adviser for his parents. " [2] 

But total freedom is not possible in the society. For one person’s freedom, the freedom of others in the society cannot be compromised. The child must be made to understand early in life that without any restrictions one cannot live in the society. 

Others too have some rights and privileges. For example: a child wants to play. Play is good for his training He must have freedom to play games that suit his temperament. But while playing the child should be aware of the rights of others. He should exercise care that property of the neighbors is not damaged, the window-panes of buildings in the neighborhood are not broken. Therefore, he does have the freedom to play but this freedom is having some restrictions. 

The child can exercise his instinct to get angry. He can defend himself by showing anger at proper time. But in the exercise of his anger he does not have the freedom to damage the property around him, cause some injury to others or heap insults at them. 

The parents should devise a strategy for the upbringing of the child keeping in consideration his age, 

p: 147 

intelligence, strength and feelings. They should put his actions in two categories: 

1. The actions that is desirable for him. 

2. The actions that are taboo for him. 

They should determine the limit for each type of action. Then they should give total freedom to the child for the desirable activity so that he fully exercises his instincts in performing these activities without any restriction. The child should be free to think and act. Not only the child should be given total freedom, but also on occasion he must be guided, if so required. But the acts which are taboo for the child, he should be strictly prevented from doing them. 

If this attitude is adopted, neither will the freedom of the child be curbed nor his capabilities hindered. He will have the right amount of freedom and control to ensure that his instincts are utilized gainfully. 

The parents should carefully determine the right and wrong acts that the child might do. The acts which are harmful to the family, which might cause harm to the persons or property, which are against the norms of Shariah and the law should be black-listed and the child should be strictly prevented from perpetrating them. For the right acts the child should be given total freedom. In performance of these good acts the child should be allowed to use his own thinking and intuition. 

The rules of behavior should be determined keeping in view the strength of his body and mind, his thinking capacity. Care should be taken to 

p: 148 

set rules which are not harsh on the child. 

The parents should be firm in their pronouncements to the child, “You can do this. ” “You must not do this. " 

The parents should keep aside unnecessary sentiments and emotions. They should abstain from doubts and suspicions so that the child understands its responsibilities and will not have any hesitation in fulfilling his duties. 

Imam Hasan al Askari says: 

“When a child disobeys his parents, and is impertinent to them, he will grow into an adult who is rebellious and insubordinate. " [1] 

The parents must both co-ordinate with one another to abstain from differences of opinion while dealing with the child. The differences amongst the parents can create doubts in the mind of the child.

---------------

[1]: Bihar al-anwar, v77, p. 214 

[2]: Wasail al-shiah, v 15, p. 195 

[1]: Bihar al-anwar, v78, p. 374